Losing my dad

I had just been home to visit my parents in December when 9 days after I left my dad had an unexpected stroke and passed away several days later. At 84 years old he wasn't on any prescription medications, didn't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol, and with the exception of when he was an MIA-Prisoner of War as a young man, had enjoyed good health all the way up until his last five days of life. His physical health had been so good for so long when it failed him it was a shock regardless of his age.

I was grateful to have just been there, to have spent time with him, to have made him laugh, and to have had that one last opportunity to create new memories with him. When I left I didn't imagine for a second I wouldn't ever see him again in this lifetime.

Phone calls and text messages coming from various family members all at once while I was eating dinner made me instantly realize something was wrong. Representing us as tiny origami cranes was the easiest way for me to share my feelings in that moment. Online I posted this picture and these words the following morning:

Last night my dad's soul took its next step on a journey we will all make someday. Knowing our time here is limited, that we'll only have so many opportunities to show people that we care for them and love them, should be the only reason we need to live in the moment with as much compassion, patience, and acceptance as we are capable of.

I will miss him, his stories, him playing his harmonica, seeing him putter around the house and yard. I will deeply grieve that he is gone. But I won’t have any regrets because he lived an extraordinary life and I know he knew I loved him. He was a man of true unwavering integrity, of common sense, and generosity. Each day I do my best to live my life by the same standards he taught me for literally as long as I can remember. He was a good man with a good heart and I was blessed to have had him as my dad.

I didn't feel compelled to rush home to be there with him as he passed. Having just been there and not feeling there was anything left that needed to be said I opted to wait two weeks until things had calmed a bit and other relatives who had made it in from out of town had left. That was when I went home to spend time with my mom. While I was there an origami artist who inspires me on Instagram posted an invitation for others to create a crane that represented their day. . .

Ashes to ashes... Accepting the invitation by @icarus.mid.air and sharing a crane that represents my day. Today my mom and I will be receiving my dad's ashes from the funeral home. We are looking forward to bringing him home. To participate tag #icarusmidair and share your crane. #origami #origamicrane #tribute #memorial #misshim #love

After picking up my dad we could have gone home and been sad. Instead we took him to one of his favorite places. My mom wasn't quite sure about the whole endeavor but I thought it was only fitting to take him for a last walk around the casino. Plus it was just before Christmas, the casino was decorated with trees everywhere and lots of red and green. He was in a marble urn tucked inside a green velvet bag so it wasn't like we were overly conspicuous! We photographed him outside the building, under the Keno sign (his favorite game), and finally on his bench where he used to wait for my mom when he was done playing. I have no doubt he either did or would have had a good laugh that we honored him this way :)

To my extended family and friends I want to say thank you for all of the love and support you sent after learning of my dad's death. Every single message was appreciated whether it was a card in the mail, a post online, an email, a text, or phone call. Though social media may have its faults it is also capable of scooping you up in a virtual cloud of comfort and caring leaving no doubt that you are not only not alone, you are surrounded by love.

It's been a hard two years with two of the biggest losses I've ever had to bear but I take comfort knowing that both lived long lives and knew they were loved. For that I will always be grateful.

A tragedy on San Francisco Bay :(

Just yesterday I watched in awe as two of the 72-foot racing catamarans competing in this year's America's Cup sailed across the San Francisco Bay.

My nephew Josh had wanted to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge while he was in town on a visit. We were happy to oblige him and the weather was perfect, not too hot or windy. I was surprised to see the catamarans out on the water. I'm not a racing or sailing fan but thought they were beautiful. Compared to the other boats on the water they were huge, fast, and very elegant.

I was going to include these pictures in a later post about crossing the bridge but sadly, I decided to post them today as a tribute to Andrew "Bart" Simpson, a member of the Swedish team who died this afternoon when the Artemis flipped, trapping him beneath the water for 10 minutes. It was shocking to just read about the accident in the news and all the more sobering to learn that he was a two-time, sailing, Olympic medalist (one gold and one silver) from Britain.

It's an all too real reminder that life is often too short for many of us.

The other vessel on the water yesterday was Oracle's. Their team suffered its own mishap last year when its catamaran also capsized in The Bay. Thankfully, no one was hurt in that incident.

As the catamarans crossed the bay, often coming near the Golden Gate Bridge but not passing beneath it, lots of smaller motor boats chased them in pursuit following them back and forth across the water all afternoon.

That's Alcatraz Island in the background. It's hard to believe I just saw the Artemis sailing gracefully past it just over 24 hours ago and now a sailor has died.

To Andrew "Bart" Simpson may you rest in peace. Condolences to your family, friends, team and fans. Just watching your team yesterday made a fan of me. After seeing the Artemis on the water I'd already decided to head up to the city when the racing begins in earnest this summer.

Paying tribute on Holocaust Remembrance Day

There's something about barbed wire that always takes me aback. I think of two things in particular: That my mother's family was held behind barbed wire by armed guards in a Japanese American internment camp for almost four years when she was a child and, even more so, it reminds me of the Holocaust.

In this recent photo I took up in Colusa County I felt a sense of hope because I noticed the silken strands of a spider's web laced along the barbed wire's surface. To me, the imagery of the web symbolized the wire was old and past its time.

I can still recall my shock after 9/11 when I heard people (on tv, strangers, and most shockingly a friend) say that we should round up all of the people from the Middle East living in the U.S. and put them in camps isolated somewhere in one of our deserts, basically, exactly what was done to my mother's family. Many said we should "ship them back to where they came from." That one glaring experience is why I share that discrimination, persecution, and imprisonment are part of my family's history. It's not that I can't get over it, it's that other people never learned from it that compels me to mention it from time to time.

I would have to say the same holds true for the Holocaust. As long as genocide exists, and I draw breath, I will always feel compelled to bear witness to one of the darkest chapters of human history.

I'm sharing this image with you now because it's the day of the March of the Living where thousands of young Jewish and Polish youth will walk from Auschwitz I to Auschwitz II-Birkenau in remembrance of the Holocaust.

The event is described this way on the March of the Living website:

"The March of the Living is an annual educational program, which brings students from all over the world to Poland, in order to study the history of the Holocaust and to examine the roots of prejudice, intolerance and hate. Since the first March of the Living was held in 1988, over 150,000 youth from around the world have marched down the same path leading from Auschwitz to Birkenau on Holocaust Remembrance Day."

As gut wrenching and heart breaking as it would be, I hope to someday visit the Auschwitz Memorial. But for now I follow the Auschwitz Memorial page on Facebook and from time to time reflect on the importance of bearing witness even decades after atrocities have occurred because, unfortunately, history has taught us we still haven't learned.

From the Nanking Massacre preceding the Holocaust, to the Killing Fields of Cambodia, Rawanda, Bosnia, Darfur in the Sudan and far too many other examples, I think events like the March of the Living are necessary to help us learn how to recognize and prevent the seeds of genocide from taking root in future generations. For it is ultimately the decision of a ruler combined with the willingness of individuals to commit murder and atrocities that allow genocide to occur. If more individuals are able to cling to their humanity over nationalism, religious beliefs, and assumed ethnic superiority I can't help but wonder if genocide would cease to exist or at the very least, happen less frequently with fewer casualties.

I truly believe awareness and speaking out are two important elements in helping to prevent genocide from happening again, which is why I wrote this post today.

I will never forget.

Violence may be everywhere but that doesn't make it less shocking when it happens in your own backyard

When I think of Santa Cruz I think about the Boardwalk, the redwood forests I drive through on HWY 17 to get there, the Penny Ice Creamery, and the downtown shopping promenade on Pacific Avenue. I also think of sea lions, pelicans, surfers, sunsets and all of my friends who live in or near this idyllic city.

What I don't think about when I think of Santa Cruz is violence. . .

Click image to view on the Santa Cruz Sentinel Website

Or SWAT teams . . .

Click image to view on the Santa Cruz Sentinel Website

Massive emergency response from the Police, Sheriff's department, CHP, FBI, or multiple agencies from around the county.

Click image to view on the Santa Cruz Sentinel Website

And I've never before thought of officers walking around city streets with guns drawn.

But now I will and so will many of the residents of Santa Cruz because two days ago tragedy struck when for the first time in the history of the police force, 150 years to be exact, an officer was killed in the line of duty. And not just one, but two officers lost their lives. Officers who were taken from their families, children, and loved ones. It breaks my heart.

Sergeant Loran "Butch" Baker (a 28 year veteran) and Detective Elizabeth Butler (a 10 year veteran) were shot and killed by a deranged/desperate/evil man. Apparently officers Baker and Butler didn't realize they were in immanent danger when they went to interview the suspect. They were there to question him about a sexual assault complaint but didn't know that by at least one account (his own father's) he had sworn he would never go back to jail.  He had spent time in jail for voyeurism in 2008, was brought up on a weapons charge/attempted murder related to that event that the jury acquitted him of, served his time, and had been released.

The alleged shooter who had three guns (two belonged to the slain officers) left the scene and was killed approximately 30 minutes later in a hail of gunfire after opening fire when cornered by police.

I'm all for giving people second chances but sadly we know some people are not deserving of them. It's a fine line and one that I try very hard to not become cynical of when things like this happen because it's not fair to those who have learned from their mistakes and won't ever reoffend.

Did you know you can anonymously report crime tips in SC online or by phone?

I guess the question is what can family members or friends do when they know in their heart someone is, as this suspect was, an inevitable "ticking time bomb." Is there a way for their names to be put on some kind of list so that officers responding to complaints involving them will know they need to be more careful than usual? Would such a list be legal? At the very least communities can start reporting crimes when they know something. We all know people being unwilling to become involved in reporting crimes is a national problem.

And where does this leave Santa Cruz? With a recent chain of violent crimes including a fatal, downtown, drive by shooting, a young woman surviving being robbed and shot in the head while waiting for a bus, and a home invasion robbery, the city's reputation as a fun in the sun surf town has been shaken to its core.

I'm not a betting woman but I'm betting that the city and its people will take action and work very hard to restore the idyllic reputation of this wonderful place. I simply can't imagine the citizens of Santa Cruz sitting back and accepting this surge in violence as their new status quo. They love their city too much and must feel completely bewildered by these recent events.

I, like everyone else, simply wish what will surely be a large push towards making the city safer and raising community awareness hadn't had to come at such a terrible cost to all of the victims.

For now, all I feel I can do is to offer my most heartfelt condolences to the families, friends, and colleagues of Officers Baker and Butler and refuse to let these random crimes stop me from visiting Santa Cruz whenever, wherever, and for however Iong I want to visit.

If Principal Hochsprung had had a gun

Some are speculating she could have done more by, against all odds, successfully taking down the shooter on her own. If only she'd had a gun. IMHO the suggestion of placing the responsibility of saving the lives of all of the victims on the shoulders of this brave lady is not only unfair to her and her legacy, it is devoid of compassion in regards to the loss her family is experiencing by implying she didn't do enough because she could have done more. By implementing the security program she had, and going towards the sound of gunfire when she heard it, she certainly did more than most would have.

May Principle Hochsprung rest in peace. And may her family grieve in peace. My deepest condolences to her husband, daughters, and grandchildren.

Related Posts:

More concise thoughts about the violence problem our country faces
Saturday, December 15, 2012

What is wrong with our country?

Friday, December 14, 2012

More concise thoughts about the violence problem our country faces

This is a reply I posted as a comment to yesterday's post asking What is wrong with our country? I share it not because it was easy to copy and paste something I'd already written, but because I don't want to drop the conversation after just one post. It's time for our country to look at this very difficult topic and try to grasp what we as citizens can do to create change whether it's how we vote not just at the polls, but with our pocketbooks, and/or be willing to broaden our perspective that this problem doesn't have just one cause. It's not black and white. The solution will only come when we can acknowledge that the problem is multi-facted with many shades of grey.

"I truly believe if the mentally ill could get the help they need the results would reach far beyond the mass murders like the one that was committed today. It would reduce murders, abuse, suicides, homelessness, and the prison population. On the flip side it would improve worker productivity and help our economy. Ultimately it would help thousands upon thousands of people, both the people who are ill and the lives of those who would either be victimized or negatively impacted by their illness in some way.

I think there are four points that have to be acknowledged by the majority of citizens and politicians before we'll see effective change:

1. A majority of gun advocates are willing to concede that some guns are more dangerous than others and have no place in everyday society.

2. Those who don't believe in funding psychiatric care for the mentally ill because they shouldn't have to pay for the care of others realize mental illness can become their problem too through the actions of those society has decided not to help.

3. We need to change the laws that say that a person who is making violent threats to kill another person has to commit the crime before they can be arrested or placed under a psychiatric hold (until they are no longer a danger to themselves or others).

4. The nation is willing to acknowledge that permeating our day to day lives with more frequent and ever worsening images of violence in the name of entertainment is an element in this equation of why these things happen. Legislation isn't needed to make this stop. A lack of revenue by the public choosing not to go to violent movies, not to purchase violent video games, or watch violent tv shows could effectively stop the entertainment industry in it's tracks.

IMO it's not black or white. We don't have to get rid of every gun, we don't have to remove every image of violence from movies or video games. But we do have to acknowledge that ALL are part of the problem. Until we do the conversation will continue to be a go nowhere debate instead of a productive and problem solving discussion."


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If Principal Hochsprung had had a gun
Monday, December 17, 2012

More concise thoughts about the violence problem our country faces
Saturday, December 15, 2012

What is wrong with our country?

Friday, December 14, 2012

What is wrong with our country?

Another day, another mass killing. It's as heartbreaking as it is maddening. How have we come to this point? Like many of you I cannot begin to fathom the depth of evilness or the severity of mental illness that compels a human being to inflict such pain and hate on another. I'm no expert but it seems like the first things we need to do to turn this tide of violence are:

1. Offer free mental health care for those who need it but can't afford it. It's not just their problem. All too often it becomes society's problem. I don't know if mental illness should or shouldn't be used as an excuse/reason for this kind of crime, but whatever your opinion it doesn't change that it may still be the cause.
2. We also need to remove the stigma for those who can afford psychiatric help but choose not to seek it due to the negative consequences they may face professionally and personally if they admit they are somehow mentally ill.
3. Create and enforce stricter gun control laws.

On this very dark day my thoughts and prayers are with those killed, their families and loved ones, and the emergency service personnel who have borne witness to the carnage firsthand. All are victims of today's shooting in Connecticut. May those who lost their lives rest in peace and their loved ones, someday, find peace and joy in their lives again. I simply can't begin to imagine the horror and loss people feel when someone they love has been taken from them in this manner. My tears are for all of you.

Related Posts:

If Principal Hochsprung had had a gun
Monday, December 17, 2012

More concise thoughts about the violence problem our country faces
Saturday, December 15, 2012

What is wrong with our country?

Friday, December 14, 2012

I'm heartbroken. Janet Liang has passed away :(

I awoke this morning to learn that one week after finally receiving her long awaited marrow/stem cell transplant, Janet Liang has passed away. You can read the message posted on her Facebook Group wall by Clicking Here. I am stunned and saddened by her loss. She had so much she still wanted to do. She wanted to be a teacher, raise a family and have the opportunity to live the long happy life so many seem to take for granted.

We met three years ago when she reached out for help in mounting her first online marrow drive effort. We emailed and talked on the phone from time to time. I helped her how I could, when I could, but each time someone dies I always end up feeling as if I wish I could have done more :(

There are no details given of what went wrong. Whatever the reason the thing that will forever haunt me is knowing that had a match been in the registry for her three years ago when she was first diagnosed, Janet's odds of survival would have been much higher. A transplant is an arduous procedure that can ultimately save a life but can also take what little time a patient has left through either GVHD (graft vs. host disease) or infection before the donor's marrow is able to begin producing new blood cells and a new immune system.

Rest in Peace Janet

Leukemia and so many other diseases are treatable illnesses with a transplant but until more people join the national and international marrow registries we will continue to lose our friends and loved ones this way. In honor of Janet please either join www.BeTheMatch.com to donate your stem cells to a patient in need or help me spread the word that donating is not the painful procedure so many seem to think it is. If you want to learn more just ask me. I'd be happy to explain how the donation process works in today's world of modern medicine.

Like so many others, Janet's legacy will be the awareness campaign that her friends and loved ones will pursue in her honor as a remembrance of her.

May you rest in peace Janet. You were courageous, open and honest throughout the hard fought battle you were forced to wage. During the process of documenting all you struggled with you did accomplish your goal of becoming a teacher. Not the kind you wanted to be, but you taught so many of us how to fight adversity, love, and live in the little time you had left.

With Gratitude on Memorial Day

Our country has been at war for so long now it often feels as if every day is a memorial day with the loss of American lives we read about in the news and see on television. But when we haven't been at war for nine years, seven months and 28 days, the significance of Memorial Day stands out with more contrast than we have become accustomed to in recent years.

Memorial Day is a Federal holiday that recognizes and pays tribute to all of the men and women who have died serving our armed forces since the Civil War. Flying the flag at half staff symbolizes our country's collective grief and mourning.

So I write this post to pay my respects to those who have died defending the rights and liberties our country believes in. They were willing to stand together fighting for human rights to try to make this country, and the world, a better and safer place for all. For that, I can only give them, and their families, a sincere and heartfelt thank you on this day of remembrance.

How to Fly the American Flag at Half-Staff

In the morning raise the flag to full-staff at the top of the flap pole for just a moment then immediately lower it to half-staff.

The flag remains at half-staff throughout the morning.

At noon the flag is raised back up to its full-staff position for the remainder of the day.

---

When to Fly the American Flag at Half-Staff

Memorial Day - Sunrise to Noon on the Last Monday each May

Peace Officers Memorial Day - Sunrise to sunset each May 15th

Patriot Day - Sunrise to sunset each September 11th

Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day - Sunrise to sunset as a yearly proclamation on December 7th

At the Direction of the President

At the Direction of a State's Governor

On GettysburgFlag.com there is also a reference to citizens choosing to display the flag at half staff as a symbol of respect:

Private citizens and non government buildings may choose to fly their flags at half staff to honor more local leaders. The Flag Code does not exclude any citizen, whether they belong to an organization or not, whether they are recognized very locally or regionally. Examples of deceased citizens that might be honored with by lowering the Flag to half-staff include local religious leaders, youth leaders, honored teachers or sports coaches, local politicians, or a local hero. There need be no authorization from the government for the private sector (non-government) to use the Flag to honor any citizen.

My Dad the Veteran

Last year I had the opportunity to sit with my dad and learn more about when he was a Korean War MIA-POW, on the internet. My dad doesn't use computers, but he was very interested when I offered to look up things about his POW experience online. "See if you can find out anything about my Master Sgt. Francis Mcdonnell," he asked. We found an article in the Larchmont Gazette titled: Rediscovering a Larchmont Hero: What Happened to Master Sgt. Francis J. MacDonnell In Korea 50 Years Ago?

Because of the article I learned so much more about his imprisonment experience from his moment of capture near Uijonbu. Their arrival at the prison camp, and release from Pyoktong which spanned January 1, 1951 - August 6, 1953 are documented in the article. For three months his family didn't know what had become of him. Finally they received what can only be described as a propaganda letter assuring them he was being well cared for by his Chinese captors when in reality his fellow soldiers were dying of malnutrition, lack of heat and no medical treatment for their injuries and illnesses.

His unit, Company C of the 19th Regiment, 24th Infantry Division, was abandoned by Companies A and B when 10,000 Chinese soldiers arrived leaving approximately 100 American soldiers in Company C (some wounded) to protect the retreat of Companies A and B by facing the enemy soldiers on their own.

After surrendering, those who were injured and couldn't walk were executed and those who could walk were forced to march for weeks in the dead of winter. This would be a hardship in the best of circumstances. Making it worse was theirs was one of several infantry divisions that had not yet received their winter gear.

During my dad's imprisonment as an MIA POW he said 1500 soldiers died in Camp 5. Some from starvation, others from illness and injury. The Larchmont Gazette article says that "We lived in mud huts ... 10 to 12 in an 8 by 10 foot room."  And "temperatures averaged well below zero."

Throughout my entire childhood my dad never spoke about his POW experience. It wasn't until decades later after attending a POW reunion that he began to open up about what he'd experienced. I have to say I wish he'd told us sooner. I wish I'd known the sacrifices he had endured because it would have made me appreciate him more when I was growing up. It also would have made me admire him all the more because despite having plenty of reasons to become racist by disliking North Korean or Chinese people, he raised me to believe that to discriminate is wrong and that everyone deserves your friendship and respect simply because they are fellow human beings.

Upon his return to the U.S. he faced discrimination because he looked "Asian" and we (the U.S.) had been fighting the North Koreans and Chinese. He once told me the story about how after his release he wasn't able to find an apartment to live in. He would walk by a building on his way to work each day and there was always a vacancy sign up. But when he'd knock on the door and inquire he was always told the room had been rented. He tried reaching out for help at the VA but he was pretty much on his own, forced to live in a cheap motel until, eventually, he was able to rent a place of his own.

My dad last year laughing at my mom trying to avoid having her picture taken. LOL

I look back and realize that I have so much to appreciate on Veterans Day. That my dad survived his war experience is one. That he didn't become cynical or racist are two more. And that despite the hardships of re-assimilation he persevered. I think my tenacity comes from him.

For those who died in combat and those who lived to tell their stories I feel I owe them an immense amount of gratitude that I can only express through appreciation because their physical and emotional sacrifices can never, truly, be repaid.

A Growing Tribute at One Infinite Loop

Tonight there was a small gathering of people that steadily grew at the headquarters of Apple Inc. in Cupertino. There were lots of news cameras and trucks with satellite dishes on them. Nobody was saying much of anything. Just a lot of people paying silent tribute to Steve Jobs.

Perhaps some were friends, others employees and of course the fans who loved his company and products.

Click to Enlarge

There is a bench on the south side of 1 Infinite Loop which someone had affixed an ipad to that displayed the home page of Apple.com with the memorial photo of Steve Jobs. It was surrounded by flowers, candles, cards and signs.

After spending time near the bench we walked to the front of the building where the flags were flying at half-mast.

Earlier today I changed my Facebook profile picture to one of me and my first computer. For years I resisted owning a computer. I was happy with my little Brother electric typewriter and thought I was the only one who hadn't been suckered into the crazy computer and internet phenomenon occurring everywhere around me.

FInally, after much resistance, I purchased my first computer in 2002. It was a cute little grape iMac G3 DV.

I don't use it anymore but I still have it and have been a loyal mac fan since that day.

Tomorrow and the coming days and weeks will bring more memorials and tributes but to me the most wonderful thing is that Steve Jobs' legacy lives on in his company, in the world of technology and in the commencement address he gave at Stanford in 2005.

Any one of these would have been an admirable accomplishment, the fact that he accomplished all three, and made time for a personal life, for a family and friends shows us all that we should think and dream big. Huge. Why not? As he said at Stanford:

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

ETA: I was very surprised to find an email in my inbox this morning from the BBC asking if they could use the photos I took last night in an online slide show. I said yes because the whole reason I took them was to help everyone who doesn't live here feel just a little bit closer to Cupertino ♥

RIP Steve Jobs

Inimitable

To his family and friends my deepest condolences and most heartfelt sympathies.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

That quote was part of the closing from the Commencement speech Steve Jobs gave at Stanford University in 2005. If you've never seen it, this would be a great day to do so. It's humble, authentic and inspiring.

The transcript is HERE if you prefer reading what he said.

If the video isn't loading please check back.

Memories of My Dear Friend Heron

April 2009

In my life I have wedding industry friends I see at the many various functions and social events I attend. Some would assume they are cursory relationships but they would be wrong. In a way they are less colleagues or friends and are more like family. We're there for each other. I've seen it time and again, the industry coming together to rally our support when someone is in need.

Heron Freed Toor was one of those friends. I came to have a deep fondness and appreciation for Heron as I think everyone in the Northern California wedding industry did once they had the pleasure of meeting her.

Heron was, to me, the epitome of a free spirit because she truly followed her heart. Up until her recent illness she played singles tennis, took hour long walks several times each week, would run on occasion, lifted weights and she would walk the 3.5 miles to the farmers' market each weekend then take two buses to get home with her bags of groceries that she would carry up three flights of stairs at her walk-up apartment. This meant she could literally run circles around almost everyone half her age.

She was a very pretty lady always so stylish, with a cute hair do and wearing fashionable outfits with heels often so high I marveled at her ability to stand, let alone walk, in them.

We often attended many of the same wedding industry events and when she would spot me in a crowd she was always ready with a smile and a hug. Add to that in all the years I knew her I never heard her say an unkind word about anyone or be anything but optimistic even during the most challenging of times.

Earlier this year she began experiencing back pain so she went to her doctor and was shockingly diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.

Sugar Bowl Bakery Petite Brownie Bites & Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream

How did she let her friends know? She sent some of us an email saying that upon hearing the diagnosis she immediately went to the Sugar Bowl Bakery for a tin of 48 brownies bites, picked up her favorite pint of Ben and Jerry's "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream" ice cream and treated herself to a hair cut, lash tint and mani-pedi. She'd also been shopping for a beautiful bed jacket so that she could "step out of this world in style." Only then did she break the news to us that she was planning to eat as much as she wanted of all of the no-no foods she used to eat in moderation, for as long as she was able to enjoy them. Knowing it would be hard to hear she would be leaving us, she gave us this positive mental image to hold onto so that we couldn't help but smile through our tears.

Flirty Heron

Immediately I wanted to do something to give Heron a smile back so I made a "Flirty" version of her and sent it by email. She loved it and said she would be happy and honored to be included in the masthead on The Flirty Guide.

Shortly after, my friend Jewel had a great idea and she and I took Heron to lunch to the restaurant of her choice. We had a fine meal down in the marina at Greens, a vegetarian restaurant with a waterfront view. She savored her glass of wine, ate a little pasta and throughly enjoyed dessert. We spent the time laughing, chatting and reminiscing about her life and how she was feeling about the time she had left.

True to form not only had she created a short bucket list of things she still wanted to do, she'd also created a list of the things she was happy she would never have to do again like pay taxes and go to the dentist.

She asked me what had I been baking and what would I make next? I told her I'd be making a flourless chocolate cake for the Food Blogger Bake Sale and her face lit up. Heron loved chocolate and sweets. She mentioned that she might have to make her favorite gingerbread cake one last time. I offered to bake her cake for her if she didn't have the time or energy to do so herself. She just laughed.

When I saw Heron a week later at the "Celebration of Life" party some of her best friends hosted in her honor I brought a freshly baked, flourless, chocolate cake she could take home to enjoy which put a bright and beautiful smile on her face.

For the next three months I truly baked with love, dropping cakes and cookies by Heron's apartment each time I was up in the city for her and her caregivers to enjoy.

Heron's Gingerbread Cake Recipe

My first visit to her home she was out on a walk so I left a tin of crisp & chewy chocolate cookies at her door. Her friend Susan had left me Heron's gingerbread cake recipe taped to the doorway and I promised to drop it by on my next trip to the city.

I did make the gingerbread cake but as perfect as it looked while cooling it turned into a bundt-tastrophe when I flipped it. Luckily I'd made cupcakes with the extra batter so I delivered them to her door and stayed for a short visit. When she saw me she said she knew I was always busy and asked how did I find the time to bake for her and come visit her? The only thing I could think to say in reply was "people first, especially friends." And I meant it.

My next visit was brief, and lasted just moments. Heron had had a bad morning but her caretaker said she wanted to say a quick hello when I dropped off another tin of cookies.

Last week Carl and I drove up for what would be the last time I would see Heron. I took some chocolate marquise on the off chance she could let the tiny bites of ice cream melt in her mouth. But she was heavily sedated due to the amount of pain she had been in for the past few days. We spent some time with her just sitting beside her bed, talking to her a bit and wondering if she could hear us. We said our last goodbyes and left as a young couple she'd married came to spend time with her.

Heron at her party in March 2011 from a video by her son David

Pretty Lady, you will be dearly missed. Your warmth, smile and kindness lit up the room each and every time I saw you over the years.

Since I've known you you've been a role model of how I always want to be: Vital, energetic, healthful, eco-conscious, loving, compassionate, a spiritual seeker and especially in the face of life's adversities you were admirably courageous in all arenas.

Suffering from depression was something we had in common. But you, you fought a longer harder battle with it than I and reinvented yourself along the way becoming the name you chose for yourself, Heron. And as you would say sometimes (just like the bird) you would get stuck in the mire and the muck (that were life's challenges) but when you flew, you soared.

Whatever comes after I feel in my heart you are soaring now free of the pain the cancer forced you to endure and you have left behind the depression that challenged you through so much of your life. You remain a bright and lovely light in my heart and memories.

Just a few months ago you had your own eloquent message you shared with us at your Celebration of LIfe party. . .

"So, I just wanted to say a couple words about my dying, and that is that
I am at peace. I feel my life is complete. I had an interesting, exciting, horrible, wonderful, you name it (kind of) life. And I truly feel it's finished. And it's such a good feeling for me because it gives me a lot of peace. I don't have any regrets. I don't have anything that I really really want to do other than being with friends and family."

- Heron Freed Toor

A Recipe Tribute • Memorial Service Idea

When I was a child, funerals were occasions solely dedicated to mourn the loss of a loved one. They were sad, everyone dressed in black there was a casket (opened or closed) and there were lots of handkerchiefs, tissues and tears.

Now, families are just as likely to choose a "memorial service." The most significant difference between a funeral and memorial is that at a memorial there is no casket or final disposition. Often a large photograph or montage of smaller photos are used as a display in place of a casket.

CLICK HERE to read how a recipe can become a sentimental, unique and unexpected living legacy.

I've noticed over the years that the tone of funerals and memorials has changed. Quite often both now incorporate the theme of "celebrating" the life of the person who just passed away. The last funeral I attended had plenty of tears but also a surprising amount of laughter.

In the spirit of celebrating a person's life I had an idea to do something unique and meaningful at the service of anyone who was a great cook or was well known for a particular recipe by sharing their recipes with the people who attend their funeral or memorial. CLICK HERE to view the details.

Married 70 Years

We all have the family we were born into. Some of us are also lucky enough to create family of our choosing. Know what I mean? Those people who we simply love so much we consider them family even though we aren't related by genetics? This is a post to honor just such friends. My Uncle Norio and Auntie Nobu were married for 70 years before they both recently passed away.

70 years is a long time to be together. To do things right, make mistakes, to laugh and cry and to create memories and a bond with one other person that a very rare few of us will ever have the opportunity to experience.

It was three weeks ago I flew to Nevada to be with my Uncle Norio, a very dear friend my parents had known since before I was born. At 95 years old he was entering his final stage of life and I was fortunate to have the opportunity to offer care and comfort to him in his remaining days. My parents had arrived a week earlier and together with his family we all did our best to make each day he had left as enjoyable as we possibly could.

After my return home I read a news article titled Never to Part. It stated that a surviving spouse often passes away within 6 months of the death of their husband or wife. I guess the article was right as it had been 6 months since my Auntie Nobu passed that my Uncle Norio left this world to follow her.

To be honest I didn't know what to expect as I flew to Nevada. Though his body was failing I soon discovered that his mind was still incredibly sharp. He could remember everything and told me stories from his life beginning from when he was a small child to what he had done most recently. Unexpectedly to me our days together were both fun and sad and we spent as much time laughing as we did crying. It was the epitome of "bittersweet." He was still making jokes even when he was too weak to laugh himself and was so appreciative of the many visitors who flew to town to see him, the phone calls from friends and his daily emails friends and family had sent that we would read to him.

A few days after my arrival my Uncle asked me to make him a gold origami crane. I can make a crane no problem, the issue was where to find gold origami paper in a city with no Japantown. A little brainstorming and I realized the best I could do was to find some gold gift wrapping paper. Longs drugstore had a two toned gold birthday wrap that did the job nicely. LOL then he asked if I could mount it on a piece of board. Some cardboard wrapped in red gift wrap met with his approval. LOL then he said it would be nice if we could mount the crane on a piece of round paper, but not one with a plain cut edge... Something fancy like a crown. A trip across the street from his apartment to Walmart and I found these tiny, gold, oval shaped paper cut outs.

Once I'd mounted the crane on the gold oval on top of the red base he "wondered if it would be possible" to get a plastic display case to put the crane into. LOL my mom suggested buying a container of "something" and using the container. I recalled seeing crystal clear containers of Ferrero Rocher chocolates at Walmart and went back to buy a pyramid shaped one just to empty and use. He loved it! He asked to place it on top of his tv, and later when he was too weak to watch tv, asked to see it close up, holding it in his hands and gazing at it. Just a little folded piece of gift wrap transported him to some special reverie.

What is sure to become one of my fondest memories of those two weeks is when I learned how to make strawberry margaritas off of Google so that he could enjoy one each evening before he went to bed. Huh? Am I serious? I am! The first day I got to town he recounted the best one he ever had decades ago, which prompted me to suggest to his daughter we should try to get him one as a surprise. She said let's just make him one everyday! We even got a real margarita glass just to make it official. We went very light on the alcohol and the last one was (unbeknownst to him) a virgin margarita. With or without alcohol he savored each one, his eyes lighting up each time I brought it to his bed with a double long straw (his idea) we rigged to make them easier for him to drink.

At first we watched his favorite tv shows, he made empty kleenex box organizers for his bedside table, told me stories about people and places from his youth and shared important life lessons with me. As he grew weaker day by day I did my best to help him to not feel alone, scared or confused. When his memory became hazy I would remind him where he was, the day of the week and the time of day, several times a day. I'd also talk about who was coming to see him each day and sometimes reminded him of what had happened the day before.

One morning when he was too weak to do it himself, I looked out the window of his room and saw the sun rising. I took the photo above and showed it to him on my camera display screen as he laid in bed. He smiled. It was peaceful and beautiful and even as he was nearing an end, I knew the end in itself would (just like the sunrise) also become a new beginning...

A few days later he passed quickly and quietly early in the morning just minutes before the sun rose.

I guess my main point of this post is that if you ever have the opportunity to go spend time with a loved one who doesn't have much time left and who doesn't want to be alone... Go. Don't think about it, just go. If you can go while they are still able to speak do whatever it takes to allow you to be there while there's still time to converse with them. Even if they are too weak to reply or they aren't conscious or cognizant they may still be able to hear and understand you when you speak to them. I know my Uncle could understand what people were saying. The trick, the hospice worker told us, was to tell him things instead of asking him questions since he could no longer answer us. Just make sure you speak loudly enough so they can hear you. You can listen, reassure them, reminisce or just be with them to hold their hand. Being there is what matters most. Not what you do or say.