Van Halen Tattoo Concert Review

This post is dedicated to my friend Keith who has, on occasion, accused me of not keeping things "real" here on The Flirty Blog because I'm almost never negative. The simple truth is that I focus on the positive. If I have a bad experience I don't lie about it, I simply choose not to write about it at all.

When I heard Van Halen had canceled shows from their ongoing Tatoo tour I was relieved San Jose wasn't one of them. But a week and a half ago I attended a concert that was such an unmitigated disaster I feel it's my responsibility to let you know what went down because concert tickets aren't cheap and I'm guessing you work hard for your money and quite frankly, the show was wasted money. It pains me to say that because I've been a Van Halen fan since the early 80's and had always hoped to see them in concert someday.

We arrived at the HP Pavilion at 6:30 PM and found 1/2 price parking several blocks away.

Once inside I purchased an overpriced popcorn that felt like a deal at $4.25 (since a single soft pretzel was $4.00) and at $4.50 I got the most expensive lemonade I've ever ordered.

Positives were the show started on time at 7:30 PM and the opening act was Kool and the Gang.

They were awesome! They sounded and looked great. They played many of their biggest hits including Too Hot and Celebration. They looked like they were having a fun party onstage. It was contagious. They definitely brought up the energy level which is all any headliner can ask of their opening act right?

The night was off to a great start. Had I known then that their performance would be the best music we would hear all night I would have clapped louder and longer and taken more pictures with my iPhone.

Mummy finger was just glad to be out of the house. 

At 9:00 PM Van Halen hit the stage. The excitement was palpable. You know that surge of energy that builds when the lights go down and then erupts when they come back up again and the band strikes those first chords? Yeah. It was like that. The opening number Unchained was recognizable but not a big enough hit to take the energy of the crowd up another level over our initial excitement.

After the opening number things slowly and steadily went downhill.

For starters the sound technicians were out to lunch. The sound quality was truly a-w-f-u-l. The instruments were too loud drowning out David Lee Roth's voice. OK, you may be thinking, but if I was listening to Eddie Van Halen play guitar what the heck am I complaining about? The problem was the garbled sound (aka music) coming out of the speakers took the edge off of the band's performances dropping the quality of the show down to a marginal level. They seriously should hire the Kool and the Gang sound team to run the sound for Van Halen too. Their sound was spot on by comparison.

After playing some new material almost everyone in our section sat down except for one guy who blocked my view of Eddie Van Halen who at that point was the best thing going on stage. In our section they never recovered. The energy was gone.

Roth was very animated. He's definitely in better physical shape than I am. He did his trademark high kicks with his foot easily extending up over his head. Several times. I was impressed. Eddie looked healthy, happy, and like he was having fun. Alex was hidden behind his drums most of the night and Wolfgang, Eddie's son, was solid on the bass. The musicians put out a great performance.

Alex Van Halen's Drum Solo

After the drum solo David Lee Roth pretty much went off the rails. His vocals became non-existent. When three of my all time favorite Van Halen songs were played back to back (Dance the Night Away, I'll Wait and The Cradle Will Rock) you'd think I would have been on Cloud 9, right?

Instead Roth sang syllables instead of words and left out entire sentences, most notably the opening lines of most of the songs. At other times he mumbled a sing-song style what sounded more like a harmony than lead vocals totally changing the way parts of hit songs sounded. It was just bizarre.

On Dance the Night Away (Click Here to see and hear a video a fan shot that night) the backing vocals by Eddie and his son Wolfgang were good but they weren't enough to save the song. Roth skipped the opening line, sounded as if he was hiccuping the lyrics and skipped many other parts of the song.

A tweet on Twitter speculated that Roth ingested something during the drum solo that diminished his ability to sing.

In fairness I don't know if she was right or if his vocal cords were so shot and/or damaged that he simply couldn't sing. Either way at that point between the poor sound quality and Roth's declining vocal abilities the whole thing seriously turned into a hot mess. At certain points Roth seemed to stop even trying to sing. I never thought I'd say this but this was one instance where I wish they had used a vocal track that Roth could have lip synced to. While not desirable it would have improved the show immensely.

The audience kept applauding I think either because they were such diehard Van Halen fans any Van Halen is better than no Van Halen, or, like me, they were applauding for Eddie, Alex and Wolfgang. It was kind of like the Emporer's New Clothes. You got the sense the band was as much a hapless victim as the audience was and we were all part of a DLR train wreck pulling into frustration station.

My biggest disappointment is that this is a legendary band so my expectations were high. It does them no justice and shows a complete disrespect to their fans to put a front man on stage who can't sing. In this day and age of phone video cameras and Youtube you'd think they would do the right thing if not for the sake of their fans, for their own reputations. I was so over it I stopped taking pictures even though the finale had confetti canons.

On the upside the onstage video screen was put to good use. It was rather brilliant the way they used the screen to give everyone in the pavilion a front row seat showing the band in real time, using some playbacks of Roth's high kicks, in black and white, and sometimes with a three layered effect. At certain points the screen went to color but for the most part I love, love, loved the way the black and white looked.

The show was memorable but not in the way I thought it would be. If they come to your city I hate to say this but my advice would be to save your money and skip this tour. I've loved them since the 70's and 80's but this is simply not their year.

I hope whatever the issue is with DLR's voice he is able to rest up, recover and hit the road as the legendary front man he  once was.

#KeepingItReal #Fail #SoDisappointed #ShouldHaveGoneInThe80's

George Takei's new musical asks us to "Never Forget"

(In this post is the first photo I've ever shared of my own family being held in the Heart Mountain Japanese American internment camp in Wyoming.)

Earlier this week the fun loving and comical George Takei's Facebook wall went from his typical hilarious posts to one of complete seriousness. It was Feb. 19th, the formal "Day of Remembrance" to acknowledge the internment of Japanese American citizens during World War II.

George posted:

"NEVER FORGET. NEVER AGAIN 

70 years ago today, the President signed a decree that sent me and my family to a prison camp. Hear my story, and learn how you can help fulfill our pledge: Never Forget. Never Again."

Allegiance  - A New American Musical

He also posted a link to a video about a new musical he is starring in so I watched the video, visited the website, and learned:

"Allegiance is an epic story of love, war and heroism set during the Japanese American internment of World War II, following the story of the Omura family in the weeks and years following Pearl Harbor, as they are relocated from their home in Salinas, California to the Heart Mountain internment camp in the wastelands of Wyoming. . .

. . .Allegiance sheds new light upon a dark chapter of American history. With its moving score, Allegiance connects the audience with universal themes of love, family and redemption."

How the Internment Affected My Family

When President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized the internment of American citizens with Executive Order 9066 on February 19, 1942, he allowed military commanders to create and designate "exclusion zones," from which "any or all persons may be excluded." Anyone of Japanese ethnicity was then excluded from living along the Pacific coast of the United States from 1942-1945 for fear they might somehow help sabotage the security of our country during World War II.

My mother's family was forced to give up their home and business and were interned at Heart Mountain, Wyoming for over two years. The violation of Japanese American's civil rights during this time was un-American. That it took over 30 years for our government to formally acknowledge it was wrong is shameful. In 1988 Congress passed legislation that President Ronald Reagan signed that finally aplogized for the internment on behalf of the U.S. government.

This was my family while being held in the Heart Mountain Wyoming Internment Camp. My uncles and aunties were all born in the United States and had been U.S. citizens all of their lives when this photo was taken. The little girl standing beside my grandmother is my mom.

What is left of one of the barracks that stood at the camp my mother's family was held at is now on display at the Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles. The bare wooden structures were uninsulated. They were dusty in the summer and drafty and cold in the winter. To think of my family living behind barbed wire, with guards with guns in watchtowers, in a wooden building with just tar paper covering the outside during the harsh Wyoming winters where temperatures could drop as low as 30ºF below zero is something that is hard to imagine.

And for what? For being of Japanese heritage. For looking Asian. It seems like in this day and age it would be unnecessary to say "Never Forget. Never Again." But I was shocked by how many people I heard after 9/11, both people I knew and people in the news and on tv, calling for "Middle Easterners" to be similarly rounded up and locked up. So I do believe there is a need for this message and this musical.

The Japanese Peruvians

I also suspect a lot of Americans don't realize, not only did we lock up our own citizens, the US Justice Dept. also agreed to accept and intern over 2000 Japanese Peruvians (and German and Italian Latin Americans) in our camps. (Click Here to read an excerpt from the Yale Human Rights & Development Law Journal)  The majority never returned to Peru. Some were sent back to Japan in exchange for captured Americans, others were sent back to Japan after the war because Peru refused to take them back and the United States refused to keep them.

Years ago I met a man whose family had been forced to relocate to the US during the Peruvian internment. He told me his family owned a successful shirt making factory and that the government wanted to be able to take it over and keep its profits so sending the Japanese-Peruvians away was an easy way for them to take successful companies away from them. I cannot verify the veracity of his statement (though these articles by the Texas State Historical Association and The Asia-Pacific Journal support it) but it is what was told to me and was the first time I'd ever heard of Peruvian and Latin American citizens being held in North American internment camps against their will.

Art Shibayama holding a portrait of his family taken in Peru before they were deported to an American internment camp. Photo by: Tyler Sipe

The Yale Human Rights & Development Law Journal states:

"The United States' motivation for going to all of this trouble and expense, most of which violated both U.S. and international law, appears to have been a desire for hostages to be exchanged for Americans held in the Japanese-occupied territories. . .

. . .Over 500 Japanese Peruvians were in fact included in the two exchanges that took place in 1942 and 1943."

Civil Rights Attorney Wayne Collins
being honored by the
Nikkei for Civil Rights and Redress

After the war, Peru allowed Japanese Peruvian citizens and those without citizenship who were married to a citizen to return to Peru. In the end 700 Japanese Peruvians without citizenship were "voluntarily" (meaning were forcibly) repatriated back to Japan as they had no other alternative. Peru refused to take them back and the U.S. refused to allow them to stay in this country.

The article states "There is no doubt that the kidnapping, deportation, incarceration, holding hostage, and forced repatriation of the Japanese Peruvians violated international law."

It was only the efforts of a civil rights attorney named Wayne Collins who was already fighting the forced repatriation of U.S. Japanese American citizens to Japan, who interceded on behalf of the 365 remaining Japanese Peruvians still caught in limbo in the United States, that they were not deported as well. Because of Wayne Collins those who wanted to stay in the U.S. were able to remain here and some were eventually offered citizenship.

Moving Forward

I feel sorry and outraged for my relatives who were forced to endure this humiliation and injustice just as I feel sorry and outraged for anyone of any ethnicity anywhere in the world who had been forced to endure racism and injustice. While many who had nothing to do with the internment will, to this day, offer apologies for what happened in the past, I think the best thing we can all do now is to think differently and do our best to not perpetuate hate and stereotypes in our day to day lives, to vote to end bigotry whenever possible, and to uphold the principle our country was founded upon that all men (and women) are created equal.

Because the internment happened to my own family I will definitely see Allegiance.

Thank you George Takei for bringing this musical to the stage and the message of remembrance to light. I, as do many others, appreciate that you are such an outspoken advocate of civil rights.

Watch the video of George Takei talking about why Allegiance is important to him, and should be to America, by clicking here: AllegianceMusical.com

A Dangerous Walk on the Beach

Does this look dangerous to you? It did to me.

I saw this damaged staircase while in Pescadero with my foodie friend Carl for our August food tour.

We had stopped for just a few minutes at Pescadero State Beach to catch an ocean view.

While the water looked gorgeous and the scent of the salt air on the breeze was more wonderful than I can describe, the stairs leading down to the beach were, well. . .

The top of the stairs before

Treacherous! Something had happened. I'm not sure what but somehow all of the soil along one side of the stairway had washed away from the top to the bottom. Even worse than leaving dangerous holes someone could trip into, the exposed rebar at the top meant that if someone did fall into the hole they could also be impaled.

The base of the stairs before

I felt I had no choice but to report this unsafe condition. To me, that's just being a good citizen doing my civic duty.

Some sleuthing on Google led me to www.parks.ca.gov. I called and spoke to a supervisor describing the condition of the stairway. He was immediately concerned. When I told him I'd taken photos he asked me to email them to him while we were on the phone. When he received them he was shocked that nobody else had made a report that the stairs were in such a degraded condition. He assured me they would send a crew right out to fix the holes.

After. So much better! 

So, two and a half months later I happened to be out near Pescadero, passing through on my way to Half Moon Bay. I asked hubby to make a quick stop because I wanted to see if the stairs had been fixed.

I'm happy to report they were. A lot of stones were now filling those dangerous gaps. I was glad to see that my report had been taken seriously!

The base of the stairs after being repaired

When you see something wrong please take the time to get involved! Make a call, send an email or somehow let someone know when you see an unsafe condition where people or animals could be seriously injured.

I'm sure eventually the Parks Department would have discovered the problem but perhaps not before someone was hurt or worse. It took me less than five minutes to make the phone call and the result is now everyone can visit Pescadero State Beach without the fear of being impaled after falling into a hole.

A Nation's Shame Raises the Moral Consciousness of the World

"Wang Yue died about 12:32 a.m. Friday"

Do you know who she was? She was a little two year old girl nicknamed "Yue Yue" who lived in China. A week ago she wandered into a market street and was hit by a van. As is too often the case the driver, aware he hit her, stopped his vehicle, got out, then chose to drive away. Originally it was an accident. But then it became a hit and run made so much worse as he ran his rear tire over her as he fled the scene.

Image of Yue Yue a second before being hit. From a video on CNN.com

As if a hit and run accident that caused further injury to the victim isn't bad enough what transpired over the next six minutes was not only unthinkable, it was captured on video. Over a dozen passersby, 18 to be exact, saw Yue Yue lying injured and bleeding in the street and chose not to help her. Then a second truck ran over her and didn't stop. Finally a 57 year old woman named Chen Xianmei, collecting trash off the street saw Yue Yue and drug her to the side of the road to safety before she could be run over a third time.

Image of passersby ignoring Yue Yue. From video on GlobeAndMail.com

While the international media debates the reasons for the lack of compassion and empathy by those who saw little Yue Yue lying in the street (some could even hear her groaning in pain) all I can say (and it may sound judgemental but I'm going to say it anyways) is that there is no reason good enough to excuse this incomprehensible lack of humanity.

A second wave of shock and outrage went through me when my friend Chris posted the link to this news story on Facebook. In it the article says about the only woman who stopped to help Yue Yue that ". . .critics have accused her of helping the girl merely out of a desire for publicity."

Seriously? Twenty others left her to die and there are people willing to criticize the only person who stopped to help?

Perhaps even more unbelievable is that Yue Yue's mother Qu, who accepts responsibility for failing Yue Yue by allowing her to wander into the path of danger, bears no ill will towards the people who chose not to help. She said:

"I won't judge them. Let them make their own judgment. If they are married and have children, they will know. But I bear no grudge and refuse to be disappointed by society. Many kind people have come to help."

What happens in China may seem a world away but make no mistake, this isn't a problem that exists only in China, it happens in cities and countries all around the world. Even here in the United States. It's called the Bystander Effect. It's a phenomenon that occurs when someone is in trouble or need and the odds of that person receiving help from bystanders is diminished the more witnesses there are to their need. Meaning: If one person saw you in trouble the odds are they would be more likely to help you than if 17 or 70 other people were there at the same time.

A show on ABC hosted by John Quinones explores this phenomenon.

CLICK HERE then click on the months to view past episodes to watch online.

"What Would You Do" shows both the lack of connection and compassion some people have towards their fellow human beings and the passion and courage others display to protect someone they don't even know when confronted with an uncomfortable or dangerous situation. The staged scenarios, caught on hidden camera, display the morality, humanity and conviction, or lack thereof by how witnesses choose to react to what they are seeing.

If you're as shocked as most of the world is by what happened to little Yue Yue and are asking yourself "How could this happen?" my suggestion is to watch several episodes of What Would You Do? and you'll begin to grasp how this did happen.

It's tragic that it takes the pain, suffering and needless loss of a two year old's life to awaken the consciousness of an entire country and the world. At times like this it would seem we, as a species, are de-evolving as many of us seem to care more about money, prestige and power than the well being of our fellow man. Our capacity to care (at all, altruistically and empathetically) is, imo, one of our greatest gifts. Perhaps the next time you see a fellow human being in need you will try to help, even if in just a small way. I've tried to do so in the past but will, to honor Yue Yue, try harder in the future.

RIP little Yue Yue. You will never be forgotten.

Oct 20, 2011 you can view "Miss Representation" on tv

I don't have a daughter to teach not to believe that her worth is determined by her looks and sexuality. Nor do I have a son to teach that women are more, and are worth more, than just the way they look. That's what went through my mind when I saw the trailer to the movie Miss Representation. I'll be watching the movie when it premieres on TV on the OWN network on Oct. 20, 2011, 9/8c.

So how does my awareness about the superficial, sexualized, objectified, unintelligent portrayal of women in media (meaning the press, TV, movies, music videos, etc.) matter?

If you watch the trailer below you may ask yourself the very same question.

But after just a few minutes I realized my awareness does matter because there are things I can do to raise more awareness and break through the stereo types:

1. Writing about the movie here on my blog to bring it to the attention of those of you who will be interested in watching it is something I can do.
2. The way I value other women and myself may be two of the most important things I can do.
3. In my day to day life I can lead by example, being the best role model I can be to everyone (of every age) I interact with showing through my actions this woman is more than how media too often, too easily and probably unthinkingly portrays us.

Miss Representation Trailer (2011 Sundance Film Festival Official Selection) from Miss Representation on Vimeo. "When the new documentary film Miss Representation premiered at the Sundance Film Festival, audiences were riveted. . . As the most persuasive and pervasive force of communication in our culture, media is educating yet another generation that a woman’s primary value lay in her youth, beauty and sexuality—and not in her capacity as a leader, making it difficult for women to obtain leadership positions and for girls to reach their full potential. The film accumulates startling facts and statistics that leave audiences shaken, armed with a new perspective, and asking the question, “What can we do?” Miss Representation premieres Oct. 20th at 9/8c on OWN. Host a House Party and spark a dialogue in your neighborhood and community."

Here are some things you can do and places you can go to learn more about and support the Movie:

Watch the movie Tuesday Oct. 20, 2011 on the OWN network 9/8 central time.

www.MissRepresentation.org

Take the Pledge

Host a Screening

On Facebook

Nationwide Screenings

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And thanks to my friend Wendy for including me in a Facebook message where she shared the trailer two days ago. I'm really shocked it was the first I'd heard of the movie.

Dear 16 Year Old Me - Preventing Melanoma Skin Cancer

Melanoma is the epitome of the adage: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Even if you don't watch the video please know that along with prevention, early detection is crucial: Removing the melanoma before it spreads is the key to survival. If an existing mole changes color, size or shape or feels different or a new suspicious mole appears have your doctor check it out ASAP.

The David Cornfield Memorial Fund in Canada produced this video to encourage teenagers not to allow their skin to burn outdoors or in tanning beds because the ultimate price may not be paid with a painful burn at that moment, but years later when a combination of cumulative UV exposure, genetics and other factors can transform a childhood burn into the sixth most commonly diagnosed form of deadly cancer.

Imagine my surprise that as I was working on this post I learned a friend had just been to the memorial service of his friend who had recently passed away because of melanoma. He asked me many questions so I decided to do more than just post the video and wanted to share some basic information about melanoma with you.

Some of the factors Doctors believe may put you at greater risk for melanoma are:

• If you are fair complected
• Naturally have red or blonde hair
• Have blue or green eyes
• Have a family history of melanoma
• Ever suffered blistered sun burns especially as a child or teenager
• Used to or currently spend excessive amounts of time tanning with natural sunlight or in tanning beds
• Take certain medications
• If you have more than 50 moles
• Don't use sunscreen

According to the experts the best ways to prevent melanoma are to:

1. Prevent sunburns while young, particularly those that cause the skin to blister
2. Avoid sun exposure between 10:00 AM and 4:00 PM
3. Avoid tanning beds
4. Wear a hat and cover up when possible outdoors - even lightweight cotton shirts in summer are better than bare skin
5. Use a broad spectrum 15 spf sunscreen or higher
6. Apply sunscreen at least 30 minutes before sun exposure

Healthy Moles

It was estimated that in the US there would be 68,130 new cases of melanoma diagnosed in 2010 that would cause 8700 fatalities. The saddest thing about this is that according to the experts the majority of these cases could have been prevented with proper precautions when these patients were younger and many of the fatalities could have been treateable with early detection.

To create this post I also learned that I should break out a hand mirror and inspect all of my moles preferably every month or at the very least every 6-8 weeks, something I've never done before but will start to do now.

Yes, I made you cartoons of malignant melanomas because they weren't quite as creepy looking as photos of the real thing. 

There are many variables in the way melanoma might look. Sometimes there are visual cues and sometimes a mole can look healthy but it isn't. Melanoma moles can also be located in areas that aren't exposed to the sun like inside your mouth and in your private areas and places you wouldn't expect like inside of your eyes and on the palms of your hands and soles of your feet.

But the news isn't all bad. Discovered early, melanoma responds very well to treatment and survival rates are higher than in many other forms of cancer so don't wait and don't be afraid to have your doctor check any suspicious moles as quickly as possible.

Thank you to Eric B. a co-SMART (Social Media Active Response Team) member at Be The Match for sharing the Dear 16-year-old Me video.

To learn more, here are some of the best resources I found online:

www.melanoma.com
www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/types/melanoma
www.dcmf.ca
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melanoma
Sun exposure in a nutshell: alluring but dangerous

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Disclaimer: The information and suggestions on this site are just that and should not be interpreted as medical advice. Please consult a physician for any formal advice regarding the diagnosis and treatment of melanoma.


Information on any third party links located on this website are only verified by the original source.

Ad-based Preferred Wedding Vendor Lists and Kickbacks

A Message to Brides and Grooms:

When it comes to the "Preferred Lists" of vendors brides and grooms receive from wedding venues and other wedding professionals, "preferred" may not always mean what you think it does. Whether the list is printed on a sheet of paper, posted on a company's website or is a glossy brochure full of beautiful photographs, questioning the criteria upon which the "preference" is based may be information you don't realize you need to know. Should it matter? I think it will to some of you.

IMO there are basically two ways to create a Preferred List:

1. Recommendations based solely on merit. This means the referring company most likely has a very positive history with the vendor. They know the vendor is going to be on time, easy to work with, professional and most importantly, has made past mutual clients very happy. A referring company wants to continue working with this type of vendor because they help to create a wonderful experience for their mutual brides and grooms.

2. Referrals based on a fee or cost to the vendors to be included on a referral list. This could be an annual fee or a mandatory kickback for each client the vendor books based on a referral by the company that introduced them to the clients. Why is this worrisome? Because on some fee-based referral lists vendors are carefully screened for quality but on other lists they aren't.



Food for Thought: Is it worth considering that the companies on a paid list will not always be the most qualified? The companies on a paid list may range from poor to average to good or they may be the best. But unless you ask the person who hands you the list if it is a merit based list of their best and most favorite vendors they've had the pleasure of working with or if it's an advertisement bought and paid for by those who advertise in it, you won't know for sure.

Here is my issue and the main point of this post:

By definition "preferred" means to "like" one thing better over others. Here are my questions to brides and grooms:

1. Does the word "preferred" reasonably imply that preference is based upon liking a vendor based on their reputation, quality and skill level?
2. Does the word "recommended" reasonably imply that a company is being vouched for endorsed and supported because it's not just average or better than average but it's one of the best?
3. If money changing hands is a key factor in the process of "preferring" a company enough to "recommend" them to you, do you want to know?

Whichever paid scenario is used (fee based sales or kickbacks) they both mean that most likely, at least some (and possibly all) of a Catering or Site Director's favorite and most qualified vendors are not on the list because they either chose not to pay to advertise or were unable to afford to pay for the opportunity to be included. While there is an absolute value and advantage for vendors to pay an annual fee, some venues charge hundreds or even thousands of dollars to be included on the list or in the brochure putting the cost to advertise out of reach for many.

Where I Stand:
I believe every business has the right to put forward any companies they choose to refer or recommend in the manner they choose. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with companies collaborating to create a joint brochure or to pay to be on a preferred list so long as it is clearly disclosed to those receiving the list that they are advertisers and the list is an advertisement.

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About Ad-supported Preferred Vendor Lists
Lately it seems that venues, in particular, are making a transition from merit based recommendations to referrals for which they have been compensated for. Often the facility gets a beautiful brochure for free (because it's paid for by the vendors who are featured in it). The recommended vendors (aka advertisers) are able to be part of a high quality, full color brochure they couldn't afford on their own and receive needed and very valuable exposure. On the surface it sounds like a win-win situation, and in some ways it is. That is until you realize that some of the better and best companies are excluded from the list for solely monetary reasons. You might think to yourself, "Hey, that's free enterprise, nothing wrong with that." I agree, so long as there is the afore mentioned disclosure. Without the disclosure I think such lists can be deceptive in general, and unethical if the companies listed aren't reputable.

To listen to wedding professionals talk about ad-based preferred lists (specifically the brochures provided to wedding and event venues by outside companies that specialize in creating them) my impression is that the above illustration is how the process begins.

To be Clear: I'm not saying that the companies who pay to be on a list are not worthy or qualified.
Two site directors I spoke with assured me (and I believe them) there is absolutely a qualifying or vetting process for vendors who are included or are offered the opportunity to be included on their venue preferred lists. One doesn't used a fee based referral system while the other (Clos LaChance Winery in San Martin, CA) uses both a merit based list and an ad-based brochure. By qualifying the professionals on both their list and brochure Kristin Murphy, VP of Business Units & Private Events at Clos LaChance, told me they are able to guarantee that not only have they met the companies they refer in person but each company they recommend has worked on their premises before which means they know the location, access for set up and site rules, all details that make for a more smooth wedding day experience for their clients.

While reputable venues do require the vendors they recommend to pass some type of vetting process, the problem arises when less ethical companies and venues are willing to basically sell "recommended" ad space to any vendor that is willing and able to pay a fee. This means that sometimes you can receive a list or glossy brochure that looks very professional, but that's where the professionalism begins and ends: With how the list looks. My opinion? This is your wedding day and that's not good enough.

Are Ad Based "Preferred" Lists Legal?
As renowned wedding marketing expert Andy Ebon stated in a post he wrote about what he calls "fatally flawed" ad-supported banquet publications:

“perfectly legal, but fraught with conflicts of interest and ultimately bad for the venue, the vendor, and the client.”

From my pov there are striking similarities between ad-based preferred lists and the new Federal Trade Commission guideline that passed in 2009. For the first time in 30 years the FTC saw a situation as significant enough to update their guidelines regarding "endorsements and testimonials," for bloggers. They felt the need to clarify that readers have a right to know if bloggers are receiving any type of compensation or incentive for the endorsements and reviews they write on their blogs. To quote myself from a previous blog post:

The FTC believes compensation can create a conflict of interest if a blogger gives a favorable review to a less than favorable product or company simply because they are receiving an incentive in the form of money or a freebie sample.

And...

To be clear, the FTC isn't proposing that compensation can't happen, they're simply saying that if it does happen it needs to be "conspicuously" disclosed to the blog's readers. My understanding is that the guidelines are not law but are interpretations of law. If compensation for a particular post was received but not disclosed the blogger could face legal action by the FTC.

Bacially the FTC is protecting the consumer from making incorrect assumptions about why a product or company is being endorsed. I see parallels? Do you?

You can read the my previous blog post about the new FTC Guidelines by CLICKING HERE.

Read more about Ad-supported Preferred Lists by others in the wedding industry :

Beware the "For Profit" Preferred Wedding Vendor List! by Maureen Thompson

Ebon blasts ad-supported banquet publications in ADJA presentation by Andy Ebon

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About Hidden Fees, Kickbacks and Commissions

commission
noun: an amount of money, typically a set percentage of the value involved, paid to an agent in a commercial transaction

I have no issue with people receiving commissions. (I earned commissions for 7 of the years I worked in retail sales.) They are a standard business practice in many industries. My definition of the term "commission" is that the commission amount (whether a percentage paid to a professional or a set amount paid to a salesperson) is either fully disclosed in a contract that the client signs, or is paid for from the profit margin of the manufacturer or service provider. Bottom line, the client may or may not be aware of the commission but pays the same price for the same product or service as every other customer.

kickback
noun: informal a payment made to someone who has facilitated a transaction or appointment, esp. illicitly.

Call it what you will but be aware that many times the word kickback is substituted with a more palatable and less stigmatized synonym.

What is concerning, to more people than just myself, are the lists that require wedding professionals to agree to pay a hidden fee to be listed or referred. The reason hidden fees are problematic is because rather than take a discount on their normal fee, some vendors may instead inflate the price they quote clients to cover the amount of the kickback they have to pay to the referring company. This means the referring company makes more money, the vendor earns their usual rate and you just paid more for the same service by the same vendor than they would have charged you at a different location.

To read more on the subject of kickbacks you can click on the following links:

Kickbacks, Commissions and Dirty Wedding Secrets by Liene Stevens

CHECK THAT REFERRAL by [b]ecker's blog

Shady deals don't just happen in dark alleys... They also happen in fancy offices where the consumer allows their guard to drop because they think the company they are dealing with is too classy to do anything behind their back.


Referral Fees

Referral fees are sometimes a standard business practice that a company uses to reward other companies that send them potential clients. Referral fees are more similar to sales commissions in that the company pays the referer out of their profit margin so that every client pays the same price for the same service. On the con side, you need to know that the the person referring another company is doing so based on merit and not reward. On the pro side some vendors simply decline accepting the referral fee instead asking the incentive be applied towards their mutual client's balance, thereby gifting the discount directly to the bride and groom. Now that's classy!

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In closing I'd like to say that with or without a vendor list your ability to locate qualified and trustworthy professionals to hire isn't as daunting as it may seem. Do your research, talk to your friends, colleagues and other brides. Read reviews, ask other professionals you have hired, and trust, their opinion about who they trust in the industry. And always make sure you have a written contract with anyone you're hiring to provide services on your wedding day.

Additional Nitty Gritty Articles:
• TMI on Facebook & Twitter - Can Professionalism Survive Social Media?
• How Much Should Your Wedding DJ Cost?
• Event Draping Safety - Flame Proof Fabrics

During the Wedding Ceremony 101

This is a pet peeve of mine. When it comes to formal portraits everyone looks at the camera and smiles.

Everyone looks great!

But during the vows, it can be harder to stay focused. Your mind starts to wander, soon your eyes do too. Next thing you know you're checking out the audience, the decor, the lighting or looking out a window. You may be thinking nobody will notice because they're looking at the bride and groom. You may be right. Well, almost right. There are two people who may catch your distracted gaze and they will capture it forever: They would be the wedding photographer and videographer.

To me it's really a shame when you watch a wedding video and instead of the bridesmaids and groomsmen watching the bride and groom, they're looking everywhere else but at the couple they are standing up for. If you can smile or at the very least watch the bride and groom you will look great in any video shots or photos you happen to be in. It just makes me sad when I see what could have been a really great photo or video moment but the the people in the background are looking the wrong way, making funny faces or just aren't "in" the moment.

The same goes for guests during toasts. If you're sitting behind the bride and groom there's a good chance you'll be in the background of photos and videos. You really don't want to be looking bored or the wrong direction every time the camera is on you. It will be a disappointment to your bride and groom when they see how uninterested you were and may be twice as disappointing that your boredom was captured and will be seen each time they look at their wedding album or video :(

Another great tip videographer Joe Oliverio mentioned to me was to also remind the wedding party to refrain from chewing gum or tobacco.

So a smile, no gum or chewing tobacco and your full attention. They're small things that can make a big difference on and after the couple's big day every time they look at their photos or watch their wedding video!

A Wedding Day with Elegant Occasions

Always up for an adventure I said yes when asked to be an assistant and conduct a wedding day follow along with Professional Wedding Coordinator Christina Romero of Elegant Occasions.

On a warm and sunny Saturday I headed up to Willow Heights Mansion in Morgan Hill, California for Israel and Laura Ochoa's wedding. Guests were to arrive at 4:30 PM, I was there at 1:00 PM and Christina arrived even earlier than that. She originally began working with Laura and Israel when the Laura's mother contacted her 8 months earlier in February. They needed someone to help plan the wedding and oversee all of the details on the wedding day itself.

As soon as I met with Christina at the venue we hopped in her car to deliver the bridal and bridesmaid's bouquets to the wedding party at Laura's relative's house where she was having her hair and make up done and putting on her wedding gown.

While we were there the photographer arrived to take photos of the gown, the bride and her bridesmaids before the ceremony. We picked up the champagne, some assorted other beverages and a bag of small glass pebbles to be used during the ceremony (more on them later). While we were there Christina received a call that Israel, the groom, was now at the venue and needed cuff links! She hopped online and contacted the Men's Warehouse who told her she could go to their nearest location, not the one the tuxedos had been rented from, to pick up a pair to bring to him.

So we packed up the car and headed out to pick up the cuff links...

This is one of the reasons why it's great to have a wedding coordinator. Instead of sending out the groom or a member of the wedding party or family, you'll have someone there to tie up the loose ends.

It only took a minute and we were on our way!

When we arrived back at the mansion the reception chairs were being adorned with sheer organza bows. Look at the difference!

And the chocolate brown, satin napkins were neatly folded and ready to go with these really beautiful rhinestone crystal napkin rings.

Christina and I helped to put the napkins on the chargers. The florist added her floral centerpieces and the venue supplied several votive candle holders for each table. The tables looked really pretty!

The Bride and Groom's Sweetheart's Table

While we were helping to set up the reception area, Christina's assistant was setting up the name cards and programs. The picture frame was a copy of their wedding invitation that Christina had matted and framed as a special, surprise gift!

We then took a quick run downstairs to make sure the tables were in place and the table cloths had been placed on the cake and cocktail tables.

A quick peek outside to see the ceremony gazebo which was pretty on its own but even prettier once the floral arrangements had been added by the florists.

I cannot tell you how much running Christina did that day. It was a lot. I know because I was shadowing her almost the entire time. I wish I'd worn my pedometer so I could tell you exactly how far she walked by the end of the evening. It had to be miles. She was back and forth to set things up and check and recheck on things. Here she heads out to the gazebo to set up those glass pebbles I mentioned earlier.

What is going on here? The bride and groom wanted there to be a row of pebbles, set in a circle to stand in during their ceremony along with the officiant. Their "Circle of Life" was something symbolic and significant to them. Without a tape measure handy, Christina's assistant helped her to create a 6 foot wide circle by laying down on the ground. We knew his height so she laid one pebble at the top of his head and visually added the additional inches at the bottom of his feet to set the dimensions of the circle.

And here is the complete circle. If you click directly on the photo it will enlarge and you'll more easily be able to see the clear and rose colored pebbles on the terracotta surface.

Done! Now off to check on the groom and his groomsmen to get them set up for some formal photos. First she made sure everyone was there, then put their boutonnieres on each of them for the pictures.

At that point she wanted to go back downstairs to the dance floor area. On our second trip down it was to check on the cake which had been delivered during the photo session.

I thought it was really pretty but when Christina saw it she said "Oh, no! Where are the cake toppers?"

Christina had delivered them to the baker weeks earlier so she knew they had them. We discovered them sitting in a plastic bag, still boxed, on a nearby table. The bride loves fairies and had selected this bride and groom to be placed on top of the cake. And here comes my nitty gritty advice:

When hiring a baker to create a wedding cake (or any other cake where you will be using a topper) make sure they understand the dimensions and weight of the topper so that the top tier of the cake will be of adequate size and substance. This was a bit concerning because once we took the sculptures out of their boxes it was apparent that the top tier might be too narrow to hold both sculptures.

There was also the issue of the large, fresh daisies that that had been placed on top of the cake. They had marred the frosting finish so we had to make sure the toppers would hide this damage. I can say we were equally relieved when we got the toppers onto the cake and figured out a way to make the flowers smaller, by tearing off the petals and using only the centers to fill in the back behind the sculptures and hide the damage to the frosting. A quick call to the baker and an associate was sent back out to the venue to make sure the cake toppers were in place and the cake in good condition.

We headed back upstairs feeling like everything with the cake was now under control.

Everything Christina did that day was on the run. Here she refreshes and checks her time line. The bride was due to arrive any minute so she headed back out to the front of the mansion to await her arrival.

That's Christina making sure the bride was comfortable before the ceremony began.

A Wedding Coordinator's best friends to help keep things running smoothly on the big day!

As Christina prepped the bride and her attendants the guests were arriving and the groomsmen were in place to help seat them. The weather was beautiful. It really couldn't have been more perfect for an outdoor ceremony. Sunny but not too hot or windy.

The officiant had arrived so Christina escorted him to the gazebo filling him in on last minute details along the way and answering any questions he had.

It was time to begin. Accompanied by her attendants, the bride left the mansion and began heading over to the ceremony site.

The ceremony was held beneath a towering willow tree at Willow Heights Mansion.

When I asked Christina what her favorite moment from the day was she quickly replied that it's the same favorite moment she's experienced at every other wedding she has helped to coordinate: The moment when the bride and groom turn and face their guests after the ceremony concludes.

She said it is their expressions, and the joy on their faces that mean the most and described it this way when I asked her:

My couples are an extension of my existing family so watching them exchange their vows, turn around and they are glowing and on cloud 9, that's my favorite part.

She was there to meet Laura and Israel giving each of them a quick hug before escorting them back into the mansion. She then took them back to the ceremony area for more formal pictures while the guests enjoyed an indoor cocktail hour.

More details to oversee like the signing of the marriage certificate, making sure the DJ had the correct names and order for the grand introductions and seeing that the guests were all enjoying dinner.

A buffet was beautifully prepared and the food was delicious. I know because as one of Christina's assistants that day we enjoyed the same meal the guests were offered which is a real treat as often couples opt for a less expensive "brown bag" meal for their vendors. After being assistant on more than a few weddings now I have to say that when you have a vendor on their feet for 8 hours or more at your wedding it's a nice gesture to serve them a hot meal if it fits into your budget. Some stay and work 10 or more hours (often carrying heavy equipment) so imagine working that hard on a standard sandwich with an apple. Of course vendors can and sometimes do have to bring their own meals and eat in a back room but you honestly want them out with you as much as possible as spontaneous moments constantly occur at weddings so your photographer or videographer may miss capturing a special moment or your MC/DJ may be nowhere in sight when you need them to make an impromptu announcement.

A Caketastrophe!

As the guests were invited to go downstairs for the cake cutting and dancing we arrived first to discover part of the top tier of the cake had collapsed beneath the weight of the groom topper. The groom sculpture had fallen down along one side of the cake damaging the frosting on each tier along the way! His head was covered in frosting and we did our best to clean him off, which wasn't possible because the frosting was thick and heavy, and to smooth the cake with a butter knife all in about 60 seconds.

There wasn't much that could do done but Christina did her best. As Laura and Israel approached their cake her face went from an expression of delight to puzzlement as she realized something had happened. While Christina explained I have to admit I was dreading the disappointment that I was certain would wash over Laura's face... Instead she threw her head back and laughed. "Of course something had to go wrong" she exclaimed. "This whole day was too perfect!" As Laura and Israel continued to laugh over the misfortune of their cake topper they filled my heart with joy. They got it. A wedding isn't about creating a day based upon perfection, it's about being together, having fun and not getting caught up in small details that are great when they go perfectly but aren't always worth tears and anger when they don't. "Let's dance," Laura exclaimed and they walked away with huge smiles on their faces.

Later we found out part of the reason the cake collapsed was because the top tier was a layer of tiramisu and not a dense layer of heavier cake. So, had the tier been more dense or just two inches wider I think it would have held up just fine. These are reasons to be certain that your cake maker understands the width, height and weight of your decoration(s) if you are using anything out of the ordinary as a cake topper. I speak from experience since I've made many custom cake toppers for clients in the past. I always made sure to find out the dimensions of the entire cake (to determine the scale the topper height should be), and the width of the top tier (to determine the topper width) precisely so that this problem could be avoided.

The cake cutting was followed by the first dance (song at the ready), the money dance (pins at the ready), the bouquet toss and the garter toss (chair in place) which all took place according to schedule. Christina had some time to relax as the guests danced the night away though I saw her pulled out onto the dance floor more than once by her happy couple. Following the end of the reception there was still the tear down and clean up before she could go home.

As you can see, a Wedding Coordinator's day is a full one indeed. There are so many details to oversee and keeping to the time line is imperative if you want your day to run smoothly. Yes, these are things you can ask a friend or family member to do but then they aren't able to be both guest and coordinator at the same time so they aren't able to fully relax and enjoy the wedding. I know not every couple is able to budget for a coordinator but if you are able to afford one, the time, energy and peace of mind they will save you are well worth the investment.

As I left that evening I took this parting shot of the reception still in progress. And this is special and a great testimonial to a job well done: Next year Christina will be coordinating another wedding for the same family!

To learn more about Christina Romero and her company Elegant Occasions you can:
CLICK HERE to visit her website at www.ElegantOccasions.us