Day 10: It could have been worse

I still can't believe this happened. This is the afternoon of Day 10 on my Michigan or Bust road trip. The day started out fine, I'd dodged the tornado-watch hail storm the night before and I'd left the Kennebec KOA bright and early.

Most of my morning and early afternoon looked like this. Oddly, there was nobody on I-90. It felt like I was the only person going west.

Everything was fine until I neared Exit 126 in Gillette, Wyoming. All of a sudden the sky filled with dark clouds. Nothing to worry about I thought. . .

Until I saw this. The strangest and most ominous cloud bank I think I've ever seen in real life. It worried me enough that I called my mom using the bluetooth system in my car to ask her to check the real-time weather satellite report. She did and said it was light and dark green on the weather map meaning rain and heavy rain.

I popped off Exit 126 to get gas and hopped right back on the freeway. I don't think more than  10-15 minutes had elapsed since she had checked the weather map.

As I drove into the storm the sky darkened almost to the point of night. But it was approximately 2:10 PM. That was when I knew something was very wrong. Before I could think through what was happening it started raining really hard.

Compare the darkness in the heart of the storm to the pictures after.

The next thing I knew I could see and hear pellets of hail pounding the car and bouncing off the road. Within seconds the sky opened and I was in an almost white-out rain and hail storm. As I lost visibility (the picture above was taken after I'd pulled onto the shoulder and stopped) I started driving slower and slower as the lane markers disappeared until I couldn't see at all. I'm talking in about ten seconds. That was when I knew I had to pull over. The only problem was I was no longer able to see the lane markers and had no idea what was on the other side of the shoulder of the road. Was it level? An embankment? A low ditch? A steep cliff? I had no clue. It was a really good lesson to learn: If your visibility is threatened by rain, hail, snow, or dust storm before you lose sight of the shoulder (it may only take seconds) be sure to look and see how far can you safely pull off the roadway and do so as quickly as possible. 

Looking down directly at the ground outside of my side window I realized I could barely make out the solid white line here and there where the hail hadn't become too thick yet. I edged my way to about a foot inside of the white line and hoped that the trailer was also behind it with me.

As it turned out it was on the shoulder but not straight behind me. It was slightly askew but its emergency flashers were facing the oncoming traffic and that was all that mattered to me at that moment.

The sound of the hail was unreal. It was so loud I started worrying if the hail got bigger it would wreck the skin on my trialer. Once it stopped I could see the roadway was covered in almost three inches of ice in the form of hail. At first it was a blanket of white but in less than a minute patches began clearing as the torrents of rain began washing the hail downhill and off the sides of the roadway in channels of water probably an inch or more deep.

Also, the moment the storm was over cars began flying up the hill at 60+ mph. It was scary because I was parked very close to the lane of traffic. Here you can see what it looked like as a semi approached in my side mirror. As they flew by the water and ice flew in sheets right over the top of my car.

This is JUNE! Like as in summertime! What the heck?

Within about 10 minutes the right lane was clear of ice as cars, semis, and the rain washed and smashed the hail away.

So the bad news was I didn't have snow or all season tires on my car and when I'd pulled over in the white out I'd unknowingly stopped just shy of the crest of a long incline. With the weight of the trailer behind me and three inches of ice in front of each tire on the shoulder it only took one attempt to accelerate to realize I was stuck as my wheels spun in the ice.

Seriously. So, I called the Gillette Police Department, who transferred me to the Highway Patrol, who called a AAA wrecker for me, who told me it would take about 20 minutes to get someone out to help me.

The night before when I had the tornado-watch, rain, and possible hail storm in Kennebec, Fred told me that hail the size of marbles could dent the aluminum skin on my trailer. It's hard to see the scale but the largest hail balls in the image above are about 1/2" in diameter. That's when I kicked myself for not asking Fred exactly what size marbles was he talking about? The little ones or the big boulders?

As I listened to the hail pound the car and trailer just minutes earlier all I could think was it's only been 2.5 days and now my trailer might be covered in dozens or hundred of tiny dents. I thought to myself if it was ruined I would turn around, drive back to MI, and move in with Fred for as long as it took him to re-skin the trailer. He'd told me the night before he would had it been damaged in Kennebec, but that he'd also put me to work and have me plant him a garden while he made the repairs. LOL Sounded good to me.

Then I thought, no, I could get caught in more hail storms. I decided my best course of action was to drive home, get my passport, take I-5 to Canada, traverse west to east through Canada then drop down into Michigan to make it to Fred. Just kidding. Kind of.

The most nerve wracking thing about the entire situation was the fear of being hit from behind. My flashers were on but even then, accidents happen. Especially because cars and semis were still flying past me at 60+ mph even though there was still ice in the passing lane and a LOT of water covering the roadway. The rain was pouring down and because there was ice to each side of the lanes of traffic it caused the water to build on the lanes.

In the picture above you can see two cars ahead of me that weren't there before. The one on the far right was speeding before I watched it hydroplane and spin off the highway getting stuck in the grassy meadow beyond the shoulder. *Gulp* just a few dozen yards earlier and it would have broadsided my car and/or trailer. In retrospect I think I should have moved to my passenger seat in case my car had been broadsided.

Kitai was a real trooper through the entire ordeal. He was calm and patiently waited for help to arrive.

If you look closely you'll see me stranded in the red spot on I-90.

Because there was nothing to do but wait for the wrecker to come pull me out I called my mom back and asked her to take a peek at the weather map again and tell me what was going on with the storm. As she did I heard her gasp that there was now a tornado watch for Gillette and the map was yellow and red right over I-90! I laughed and said "Yeah, I know. I'm stuck in three inches of ice on the side of I-90 waiting for wrecker to come pull me out." I learned two things that afternoon: Weather can change in an instant and the Weather.com real-time satellite weather map is pretty darn accurate. I asked her to take a screenshot for me so I could add it to my blog post later because how could I not blog the craziest part of my trip to date?

By the way, that same night another hail storm hit the Walmart in nearby Spearfish shattering 200 skylights with hail 2" in diameter. So really, I got off lucky with just a a smattering of 1/2" marble sized hail that afternoon.

The Highway Patrol called back to check on me and let me know the wrecker would be there soon. I let them know there was now a second car in distress about  50 yards ahead of me.

Five minutes later the wrecker (aka my hero) from Dexter's Automotive showed up. He didn't hook me up to the tow arm, instead he hooked a cable to the underside of the front end of my car and simply pulled me forward. All I had to do was steer the car behind him. He didn't tell me to but I also slipped the car into neutral and kept my foot off the brake.

Here's a shot of a semi passing us. This one actually moved over because of the tow truck. The others that passed before them were about a 18" closer to the solid white line to the right as they sped past me.

The tow driver brought me to the crest of the hill just before where the other car had spun out. Fortunately for me their sliding off the road had cleared some of the ice away. He said if I was able to gain traction once he unhooked me to just keep driving. If I couldn't, he'd pull me further until I could.

I asked him if it was safe for me to drive on such a wet road with the trailer. He said it was and to just keep my flashers on and go as slow as I needed to in the right lane until I was clear of the area where the road was flooded with water.

In case it did work I slipped him a tip because I wasn't coming back to tip him if I made it out.

It worked! In just seconds I was heading west again! I drove for miles before I turned off my flashers and resumed normal speeds. Driving out of the storm was bizarre. The clouds were heavy, thick, and dark. It was very Mordor'esque. All that was missing was the flaming eye and a few million orcs. Beyond the clouds I could see blue sky again.

A little over an hour after first spotting the storm approaching Gillette I was right back where I started from: The sky was blue and I was all alone on I-90. Seriously, the whole thing was surreal. It was as if the storm had never happened.

It was almost an hour before I found a safe area where I could park and check the trailer skin for damage. It was fine and so was I. I felt incredibly lucky that there was cell reception so I'd been able to call for help and the worst thing that happened was I'd lost an hour of driving time. The best things that happened were I discovered Fred had built me a weather tight trailer, I'd received the ultimate car wash for free, and I realized that I could deal with emergencies alone and that remaining calm was the best thing to do when things go wrong no matter how crazy or bizarre.

ETA: Here is a list of things I learned from this experience

1. Listen to local AM weather reports when you suspect something is wrong. I noticed there were signs along the highway with station call signs. If a city has a radio number posted it's probably one that experiences severe weather conditions more often than other areas.

2. Know your approximate location. To be able to call the police and say I'd just passed exit 126 and now I'm on an incline let them know where I was. If not an exit number try to notice the exit name, the name of the nearest city, a recognizable building, anything that will help rescuers find you as quickly as possible.

3. If you use AAA you'll need to have a Plus RV membership, not a Basic plan. Basic will only cover your car/TV. In this instance they would have pulled my car at no charge but I would have had to have paid out of pocket for the trailer to be moved, possibly even having to unhitch it from the TV and having the driver move them separately which would have been even more unsafe to remain on the highway longer than necessary (I'd already watched one car hydroplane and spin off the highway as I was waiting for the wrecker). The Plus RV plan also includes changing a flat tire on your RV.

4. Don't count on your cell phone signal to call out for help or locate your position once you're stranded. As you travel you can (and probably will) hit dead zones even along major interstates. I'm considering purchasing a satellite phone, CB or ham radio, or SPOT System GPS locator when I travel in the future to be able to call out for help in cell dead zones which occur more extensively in the western half of the US.

5. The moment you sense a loss of visibility due to rain, hail, snow, or dust immediately look to the shoulder to assess how far can you safely pull off the roadway. I didn't and was stuck pulling just over the solid white line because I could no longer see if the ground beyond the shoulder was flat, an embankment, or a ditch or cliff. Had I looked earlier I'd have realized I could have pulled over further from the lanes of traffic than I did.

6. If you're stranded on the side of the HWY and can safely exit your car to avoid being injured if your car is hit by a passing car, do so. This means there must be a barrier of some type you can stand behind. A guard rail or steep incline. If there isn't a safe barrier do not stand outside your car to wait for help. Stay in your car with your seatbelt on. In retrospect I should have moved over to the passenger side of the car as the driver's side or rear is what would have taken a direct hit from a passing car.

7. If you're driving through areas prone to hail storms in the summertime, consider using all season tires. I'd just replaced all four of my tires for the road trip. Had I realized I'd be traveling through tornado prone states I would have switched to all season tires especially since I'll continue traveling east now that I have my trailer.

8. Follow your gut. Had I listened to mine instead of the online satellite weather report I would have stayed in Gillette until the storm had passed. I still would have been iced in, but most likely I would have been in a restaurant parking lot instead of the side of an interstate which would have been much safer.

Day 10: Kennebec, SD to Bozeman, MT

Up to that point I'd been dreading driving through the notorious passes between Montana and Idaho. After the hail storm? I was ready for anything and drove another six hours until I arrived in Bozeman, MT that evening just before dark. Arriving in Bozeman I'd driven 3961 miles since leaving San Jose.

Thankfully nothing nearly that dramatic has happened since.

To be continued.

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To follow my Michigan or Bust road reports here they are:

Days 1-3: Picking up my tiny travel trailer: 2364 miles to happiness :)
Day 4: Be still my glamping heart: The cutest vintage grill ever!
Days 4-8: Meeting Fred and The Glampette for the first time
Welcome to The Glampette: A peek inside
Day 8 Part 2: Around the lake and on to Wisconsin Wine Country
Day 9: A suspenseful night at the Kennebec KOA
Day 10: It could have been worse
Day 10 continued:  Overnight at a Walmart, a traveler's rite of passage
Day 11: Montana to Washington car don't fail me now!
And my favorite RV Park was: Hi-Way Haven in Sutherlin, OR
4974 miles later our adventure comes to an end

A Colorado Vacation Horror Story: I fell off a thirty foot cliff!

The Incident: Car Accident
Location: Beaver Creek Colorado on a high country wildlife excursion. It seemed more safe than skiing, snowmobiling or snowboarding. Um, wrong.
Date: 1/17/1995

So here's what happened. We'd been driving around for a couple of hours looking for wildlife. I spotted two or three bald eagles resting in trees which was cool because I'd never seen a bald eagle in the wild before but that was about it. Still, it was an enjoyable afternoon seeing nature in all its glory.

After driving around the lowlands we began driving up into the high country. Honestly, I don't remember for exactly how long. I think it was about an hour and a half we drove up into the mountains hoping to see deer, elk, bighorn sheep, etc. Eventually we reached the turnaround point and headed back to the hotel.

Within minutes our ordeal began. Our driver hit black ice. To our left was a sheer cliff, to our right, a rock wall. As she attempted to regain control of the vehicle we began sliding first toward the left. She tried to correct sending us toward the wall. She over corrected and lost control of the vehicle. As we slid sideways to the left it was obvious we were going to slide off the cliff.

As we went over the edge I remember screaming something like "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" My life did not flash before my eyes. I remember thinking to myself (quickly and clearly) what a stupid way to die looking at eagles sitting in trees and that it wasn't worth it.

We hit the ground front end first and as we did the windows exploded fragmenting into thousands, maybe even millions, of tiny pieces.

After that I just remember it was dark and loud as the Suburban rolled and rolled before coming to a stop. Later, the police said we did three 360′s before landing on the side of the vehicle. To it's credit the frame of the Suburban held up. A lesser car would have killed us all.

Miraculously, nobody died. I say it's a miracle because 5 of us were't even wearing seat belts. My first thought was for the woman in the front passenger seat who I knew was pregnant. She and the driver were wearing seat belts and both of them and her baby were just fine.

Rolling through the sagebrush.

As everyone else exited the vehicle I was also eager to get out. But when they tried to lift the woman who was lying on top of me up she screamed in pain. Yup, I was trapped beneath the only seriously injured person. I told them not to move her again because I was afraid she might have a spinal cord injury. So picture this, I was lying where the long side window used to be on my back, in the snow, with an injured French woman on top of me. I mention her ethnicity only because she didn't speak English, and we ended up hanging out with her on top of me for almost two hours as I recall. LOL had she spoken English I'm sure we would have become friends.

As I laid in the snow I could just barely see out of what used to be where the (now missing) glass curved along the top of the rear side window. I still remember seeing things from inside the vehicle hanging in the sagebrush like Christmas ornaments. And the scent of the sage, crushed by the car turning over on it hung heavy in the air. It was actually a comforting scent given how desolate the area was we were now trapped in.

Soon after going over the cliff a local drove by, went home and called for help.

I was so cold.

I tried out the only French word I knew (to converse with the lady on top of me) which was "frites" for French fries, and then I had nothing left to say.

Over an hour later I heard others say they could see the ambulance coming up the mountain... A sense of relief sludged, Slurpee style, through my now freezing veins. And then everyone shouted it was going the wrong way. Seriously. They had to drive down the mountain, find it and lead it back to where we were. By then I was really cold and I think getting a little delirious.

I remember the Eagles were playing a concert in San Jose that night and how I wished I was there seeing the show. I imagined the concert so much I started kind of humming out loud without even realizing it. One of the men heard me and thought I was whimpering in pain. LOL. I said no, I was just humming to entertain myself. It was a rather "Desperado" kind of moment.

As night began to fall, and after what felt like an eternity, help arrived. They quickly got us out of the car and into the warm ambulance.

This is what it felt like going over the cliff, rolling, landing and waiting for help.

Turned out the lady on top of me had a broken collarbone. Me? I was fine except for some small glass cuts, a couple of pretty decent bruises, I was hypothermic and so sick for a month I had to go back to the ER twice.

It was my first and only ride in an ambulance which was rather surreal in itself. Our paramedics were very kind and did everything they could to warm me up and make me comfortable for the long ride back to the Vail Emergency Room.

Sounds pretty bad right? There was a silver lining. . . WHAT? SERIOUSLY? Yes, seriously.

Eight and eleven months earlier I had been rear ended in two separate car accidents by inattentive drivers. In both cases I suffered whiplash that was at times so painful I couldn't move my neck at all. Oddly, after falling off the cliff my whiplash went away. I attribute it to that the force of the frontal impact must have been equal to the force of being rear ended and my bones must have shifted back into place.

In any case the tour operator was great. Even though we had all signed waivers he reimbursed my medical expenses and damaged items, (camera and my jacket) without even asking for a receipt. The hotel was also great. They gave me free room service for the rest of the night. I don't remember what I ordered but I know I ordered something because that was too good to be true!

To this day I always laugh a bit when people ask if I sued the tour company. I didn't. Seriously, when you're lucky enough to survive something so potentially fatal, relatively unscathed, money becomes irrelevant. Suing the tour company for what was truly an accident just seemed really petty.

So what made me blog this? I'd started the illustrations months ago but got sidetracked and never posted the story. Yesterday, I saw a contest on The Surly Concierge's blog that reminded me I wanted to write this post. If you have a worse vacation horror story you should enter his contest. Even if it isn't worse than mine you should still enter anyways because you could win an Open Table Gift Card:

" . . . in 150 words or less, tell me about your worst Hotel, Dining, or Vacation story. (Brownie points if you can include all three!)

Go for it! No subject is out of bounds! (Although try to keep the language PG-13, K? Also make sure to leave an email address so if you win we can give you your prize!)

On Tuesday April 19th, 2011 I will post the best three and let you faithful readers vote on who wins. The winner will receive a 50 dollar dining check in the mail! It’s that simple!

Don’t live in San Francisco? The dining checks can be used everywhere!"

CLICK HERE to Enter

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If you enjoyed this bizzare tale of survival you'll probably also enjoy learning about the time a spider bite saved my life:

• I Cheated Death with a Little Help from a Friend

Feeling Suicidal? It Gets Better

While it's not a secret, very few people know that for over two decades I suffered from clinical depression.

At its core, suicide caused by depression is often a desperate attempt by a mind incapable of thinking clearly to seek relief from loneliness so palpable that it can cause physical pain, despair so deep you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel and emotional exhaustion so overwhelming that you just feel too tired to go on.

I know this because I've been there and have survived several episodes of clinical/major depression that twice brought me to the brink of suicide. The thing is, people (both the sufferer and those around them) often mistake clinical depression for sadness which is the equivalent of mistaking cancer for a common cold and not seeking treatment. They are distinctly different, and one is potentially more fatal than the other.

So why talk about it now? Because our country seems to be waking up to the realization that part of the solution in stopping suicides is to be willing to talk about the problem.

Most importantly, I think there's an unintended consequence when it comes to the belief many of us were taught as children (whether by our parents or society) that suicide is the "ultimate act" of selfishness or cowardice. The additional perception (by many) that needing counseling and/or medications are signs of "weakness" and these negative stigmas undoubtedly, but not intentionally, stop some people from seeking the help they need. What society (and that inner voice in our own minds) has created, and continues to perpetuate, is a culture where so much stigma and shame is connected to the act of suicide that it causes those contemplating it to hide their feelings. The result? A dangerous, downward spiral is allowed to progress unchecked.

People don't Choose to be Despressed Instead of Happy

What I can't help but wonder is this: If depressed people weren't afraid of being labeled by society, judged by their families, made fun of by friends, possibly losing their jobs or the potential to be promoted by their employers, would more of them seek help before it's too late? Ultimately the decision to end one's own life is each person's and theirs alone. But, to cast blame and label someone who committed suicide as selfish or cowardly isn't fair because suffering from clinical depression is not a choice and suicide is a decision often made by a depressed mind incapable of thinking clearly.

Statistics say as many as 60% to 90% of people who die by suicide suffer from clinical depression, a mood disorder, or another diagnosable mental disorder that they are not being treated for or they are being under treated for. IMO one of the most dangerous elements of depression is that you feel you're coping satisfactorily even when you aren't. Once you are in depression's grip, you lose perspective and the ability to think rationally at all times. Which means trying to wait out depression is often a mistake because you won't always be able to recognize you've reached a point where you need help.

The easiest way for me to explain the difference between sadness and depression is by using pictures:

We all experience sadness from time to time in the same transitory way we experience all other emotions like elation, anger, embarrassment, etc., perhaps for seconds, minutes, hours or sometimes days.

Depression is different. Depression may be a physical, mental, chemical, or genetic illness that causes emotional suffering that ranges from sadness to anguish to despair and can last for weeks, months or years and can intensify over time. It made me feel alone even when I was surrounded by family and friends. It felt like being in a deep, dark hole from which escape was hopeless and impossible. I felt like a failure (stupid, and insignificant) and was certain that, after the initial shock, people would move on once I was gone. I had lost both family and friends to death. I knew that there is a period of anger and grief but then there is acceptance and life goes on. At the time I thought it was ok to go because in my depressed reality, I was already gone. I felt so empty inside, like who I used to be didn't exist anymore. That made it ok to leave physically, because inside (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) I felt like I was already dead.

My depression began when I was a teenager and surfaced intermittently for around 20 years with episodes lasting anywhere from months to 4-5 years at a time. The concern of a friend saved me the first time I was on the brink of suicide. I was in college carrying 20 credits, had moved out of my parent's house, was working part time to support myself and suffered two significant losses on the same day. One was the suicide of someone I loved dearly. After a while suicidal urges and planning how to take my own life began occupying my thoughts. I simply wasn't able to cope. I told a friend, who told her mom who was a therapist. Her mom offered to talk to me (in free counseling sessions) for several months until I was out of danger.

Depression made my life feel overcast with just a sliver of light.

Over the years I sought private counseling on several more occasions. I also called the national suicide hotline (1-800-784-2433) and counselors there talked me through some really tough nights. If you are suffering, whatever you do, do not buy into the stigma that to need help is a sign of weakness. I'm telling you that to acknowledge you need help and to seek it out takes a tremendous amount of strength. None of us are perfect and we aren't always equipped to deal with the stress and trauma that life often dumps upon us.

The "It Gets Better Project" is creating a dialog about suicide that our society has been uncomfortable with for far too long. While "It Gets Better" focuses on the the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered) community, the individual messages of resilience and recovery from suicidal feelings really transcend the LGBT community and encompass all of us and the fact that it's possible for any of us to suffer from suicidal depression at some point in our lives. It's part of the human condition.

Even social networking giant "Facebook" is putting in place a new way for members to send an alert that another member has threatened suicide on their website. CLICK HERE to visit the "Suicide" help page on Facebook.

At the time I didn't think anyone would miss me. Later, I realized they would have.

If you do open up to someone and they respond negatively or are judgmental, open up to someone else and don't be upset with the person who didn't know what to say or how to help. While some may know intuitively and others may have learned, most of us weren't raised or trained to know what the "right things" to say are in the face of suicide. It isn't that we don't care, we simply don't know how to help. People who can help include:

• Counselors at the Anonymous Suicide Hot Line at 1-800-784-2433.
• A Psychologist can give you counseling and psychotherapy and may have a Doctoral Degree or Ph. D.. (This is who helped me when I went through counseling.) 
• A Psychiatrist can give you counseling and/or medications because they are a Medical Doctor (M.D).
• Your General Practitioner Doctor can diagnose your depression and refer you to a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. They may even want to give you anti-depressent medications but they will not address any underlying cause(s) of your depression or teach you coping skills the way a Psychologist or Psychiatrist will.

With counseling I saw the possibility of moving in a new direction.

Some of the most helpful things we can do if someone tells us they are or have been feeling suicidal is to listen, accept their feelings (don't try to tell them they are wrong), urge them to seek professional help, tell them you don't want them to commit suicide and ask what you can do to help. Often just having someone to talk to about their problems can make them feel less lonely and can be a first step towards recovery. For now, you can learn some of the best ways to respond to a person in distress on websites like Metanoia, Stop A Suicide, and the National Institute of Mental Health.

Common responses that are not helpful are saying:

• That contemplating suicide is selfish or stupid. This only confirms every negative, self hating emotion the person is already experiencing and does not help. 
• Others are worse off. While normally someone might agree, when depressed, this comment can feel dismissive of the pain they are suffering from. The pain a person from depression suffers from isn't rational or relative to any other suffering. It is what it is and the intensity of it can be unbearable.
• That God doesn't give people more than they can bear. For many, God (or life for the non-religious) does give some people more than they can bear. Others who have committed suicide and mental illness can be viewed as proof that some of us have limitations on how much we are able to bear. To a person of devout faith they may agree with this commonly accepted interpretation of Corinthians (1 Cor 10:13, from which the quote originates) when they are in a clear frame of mind. But when suicidally depressed their faith may slip from their grasp. I don't mean this in a blasphemous way nor do I want to start a theological debate. I'm just offering a perspective of how this statement may not help someone who is clinically depressed and may cause them to feel more despair, over their inability to bear or cope with what they are going through (because now they are failing both God's expectations and yours), rather than give the comfort the statement was intended to create.
• "Snap out of it" or to "get over it." That's not how depression works so these suggestions aren't helpful at all no matter how well intended. You would't tell someone with any other potentially fatal medical condition to snap it away or to just get over it, yet many people truly believe that overcoming depression is that easy.

Things look different once the depression is gone...

If you ever feel that suicide is your only option please call the suicide hot line and talk to a counselor before taking your own life. I'm telling you that you do have another choice. Asking for help is the other choice to suicide.

National Suicide Hotlines

Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

Treatment Advocacy Center

1-800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Hotline
1-800-273-8255

Deaf Hotline: Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-799-4889

Worldwide Suicide Helplines can be found at Befrienders Wordlwide.

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The last time I felt suicidal was in 1998 and can honestly say I don't ever expect to feel that way again. I now have boundaries in my day to day life that stop me from going down the wrong path with people or situations that are emotionally unhealthy for me. I've also learned how to ask for help and accept it from others. These life skills have protected me from falling back into depression at times when previously I would have been vulnerable to it.

If you are in that dark and lonely space and the idea of killing yourself has begun to fill your thoughts, I hope this post will help you to reconsider and seek professional help. Even if you feel hopeless, like there's no way you'll ever feel happy again, my life is proof that it does get better. You just have to stick around long enough to see it happen.

These are just some of the things I've read in dark moments that have lifted me up and helped me to create the path I am on now:

Books:

The Road Less Traveled (M. Scott Peck)

When Bad Things Happen To Good People (Harold S. Kushner)

Awakening to the Sacred (Lama Surya Das)


Wild (Cheryl Strayed)

Women Who Run With The Wolves (Clarissa Pinkola Estés)


Furiously Happy (Jenny Lawson "The Bloggess")

Online:

Adventures in Depression (From the Hyperbole and a Half Blog)

Depression Part Two (From the Hyperbole and a Half Blog)

What It’s Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression (Article from Thought Catalog)

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The information and suggestions in this post are given from a personal perspective and should not be interpreted as professional medical advice. Please consult a professional Counselor, Doctor, Psychiatrist or Psychologist for help regarding depression and/or suicide.

I Cheated Death with a Little Help from a Friend

Twelve years ago I went to bed one evening expecting the following day would be the first day of the rest of my life.

I was sound asleep early in the morning when my furnace broke. The worst part was that the safety to shut off the gas failed too. Oddly, only my bedroom filled with gas. The rest of the entire house, two bedrooms, a living room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom remained gas free. Talk about the universe sending a message.

As the minutes ticked by the fumes became more thick. As it turned out it's not an exaggeration to say it was like death was coming for me. How could all the fumes end up only in my room?

So here's where things took a strange turn. I was dreaming and incorporated the smell of the gas into my dream. I dreamt I had picked up some dry cleaning and opened the plastic garment bag. The dry cleaning odor escaped and blasted me in the face. I was dreaming that I wanted to get away from the dry cleaning smell when all of a sudden I realized something was wrong with my leg. It hurt and I kept scratching at it and the pain was so sharp it caused me to wake up...

What the heck? My leg itched and hurt! I awoke to the sensation of a large welt forming on my inner right thigh and realized that I hadn't just dreamt the odor, my room was full of natural gas! The air, my hair, the blankets and drapes all reeked. In my somewhat lucid (but mostly gas induced) state I became convinced that the welt on my leg was some type of allergic reaction from inhaling so much gas.

When I sat on the edge of my bed I could see the large, oval shaped welt on my thigh. I stumbled through the dark room to open the sliding glass door for ventilation then manually turned off the gas to the furnace. If I had a computer I could have gone on Google to figure out what to do next. But I wouldn't purchase my first computer for 4 more years so I went back to my bedroom, grabbed the phone and called a hospital emergency room. "Go look in the mirror and tell me what you see" the ER person said.

Whoa. My lips looked weird. I told the person the phone, "My lips are purple." "Get in here as soon as you can" the voice on the phone replied.

I didn't feel great but I didn't feel that bad either so I grabbed my keys and drove myself to the ER. In retrospect I should have asked someone else to drive me but who do you call for a ride at 4:30 AM? I showed the nurse my welt. I think because I wasn't having trouble breathing, my color had improved and I wasn't vomiting it was determined in the initial exam that I wouldn't need a blood gas test. The nurse told me I was lucky because the test is painful. So that was some good news I thought.

When the doctor was done examining me he said: "You may be one of the luckiest people to ever walk into this ER." Seriously? Hmm, was he joking? I wasn't feeling lucky at all. I hope I had my poker face on because I thought he was nuts. LUCKY? He had to be kidding.

"That welt on your leg" he explained, "It's not an allergic reaction to the gas. In fact, it's not related to the gas at all." I didn't believe him. He pressed on to help me understand. "It's a spider bite. I don't know what kind but had that spider not bitten you, and had the bite not been so painful that it woke you up, you probably wouldn't have ever woken up again." For real? Yup, he was totally serious. A spider had saved my life.

My lips turning purple was an indicator that I was suffering from "Central Cyanosis" which means my lungs were not getting enough oxygen. As a result my blood had become deoxygenated (from either breathing in the natural gas and/or possibly carbon monoxide that is often present with it). This discolored my oxygen deprived red blood cells causing them to turn blue which caused my lips to look purple.

The next few days I was pretty miserable. Breathing in the gas/carbon monoxide combined with the toxins from the spider bite made me feel nauseous, feverish, my leg hurt and I was in a lot of discomfort. After a few days the welt, which eventually covered an area about 4" by 6" wide, became super shiny. My skin looked like plastic right before it began to peel away like a sunburn. It was really crazy.

So if you see a spider in your house, please don't be too quick to kill it. Even before this happened I didn't kill spiders and to this day I still don't. I catch and release them outside. If I see them outside I let them be.

Catching and releasing them is easy to do. You can use an upside down jar or a drinking glass with a an unopened piece of mail to slip under it. I purchased a kid's, toy, bug catcher that looks like a dust buster and use it when I see anything creeping around the house. I guess along with being a marrow donor program and shelter dog advocate I'm also a spider advocate as well.

So because Thanksgiving is this week I wanted to share with  you why I am thankful for spiders. Even as I lay in bed a wretched heap for several days I could only feel grateful. I had cheated death yet again. This was my fourth close call. Twice in the past I'd suffered from sepsis with 104º and 105ª fevers and once I was in a tour vehicle that slid off a high country mountain road (in Colorado on black ice) and flew off a 30 ft cliff. I survived even though I wasn't wearing a seat belt. Maybe I'll share that story with you later this week... Surviving with just a few small cuts, bruises, hypothermia and a really bad cold was definitely another reason to be thankful.

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If you enjoyed this bizzare tale of survival you'll probably also enjoy learning about the time I survived falling off a 30 foot cliff!

• A Colorado Vacation Horror Story: I fell off a thirty foot cliff!

Stay Safe Everyone

Normally when I walk my dog each day it looks like this outside. Sometimes it's cool, sometimes it's hot but the skies are usually clear and blue. At the very most there might be a light cloud cover.

So imagine my shock when Kitai and I left the house for our walk and saw this humongous dark cloud of smoke making it's way directly towards us. We live miles away from the Martin wildfire that's been burning for several days in the town of Bonny Doon near Santa Cruz. I'd seen it on the news but honestly? It felt like a world away on tv. All it took was a shift in the wind and the smoke was upon us. (ETA: Turns out this was most likely smoke from the "Indian Fire" in Monterey County)

Within 20 minutes our neighborhood was in the dark. The sky was full of smoke and the sun was obliterated. It was amazing how quickly it happened. 

That day the sky had been blue all morning and afternoon, can you believe behind all of that smoke was a blue sky?

I can't even imagine what the smoke must have been like for the residents in the Santa Cruz mountains. I read the fire was contained two days later. One news story stressed the importance of green belts around structures you want to protect when wildfires break out. Here are some great tips about how to protect your home if you live in a rural area:

- Create a 100 ft. green belt around your home, barns and storage sheds
- Keep trees pruned up off the ground and remove underbrush
- Landscape with fire resistant plants
- Move woodpiles away from your home
- Keep roofs clean from needles, leaves and pine cones (I bet his would include keeping gutters clear of debris)
- Ensure driveways are safe and capable of being used by large fire district equipment

This information is from the Lake Chelan Fire Department's website.

Stay safe everyone!

SPAM saved my friend's life!

SPAM can be many things. Usually SPAM is annoying, frustrating, the bane of my existence (I get close to 600 in my email each day), and a potted meat product.

But have you ever heard of SPAM saving a life? Look no further. My friend Rich Amooi was saved from serious harm when his email dinged and he got up to check to see who had messaged him.

Turns out it was SPAM. A moment later this tree fell through his roof and ceiling landing right where he had been sitting. It probably would have hit his legs. You may never look at SPAM the same way again. In fact I'm considering turning off my SPAM filter if it'll help me to live longer.

Just sayin'...

When I showed the pic to my hubby he was less philosophical than I. His first response was... "Wow those are nice doors!"

My First Blow Out!

It couldn't happen in a 20 mph school zone, 5 minutes from home at noon. Nope the first time I blew out a tire it was an hour away from home, at night, on a freeway. I was on my way back from an industry event in San Francisco when all of a sudden my car started making a thump, thump, thump noise. I quickly realized something was very wrong and had two choices: Pull over on a curve on a dark highway with cars whizzing by at 75+ mph, or continue on to the next exit. I quickly weighed my options and chose the latter. When I pulled over this is what I saw!


I quickly called AAA. It didn't take long for the tow truck driver to show up and before I knew it I was on my way! It literally took him about 3 minutes to change my tire! He was awesome! I gave him a tip. Wasn't sure if you're supposed to tip a tow truck driver but I was so appreciative that he fixed my tire so quickly I figured it was the least I could do. My dear sweet hubby had added me to his AAA a few months after we started dating and got me a cell phone (LOL) so he could track me down when I was out and about. Both came in pretty darn handy that night. I'm happy to report that I made it home none the worse for wear.