Dear Kitai, It's been a year since you left me. . .

Sometimes at night I dream about you. It happens quite often. Usually I'm looking for you because you're lost and I can't find you. I wake in a panic because I'm desperately worried something bad will happen to you if I don't find you. Other times we're doing something or going somewhere, you know, happy together the way we used to be.

And then I wake up and a moment later the realization hits, you're gone. I lie in the dark and let the reality sink in. Again. it was only a dream. We're not together. You're gone and I'm still here, heartbroken, without you. Then I feel even more sad and upset than the dreams where I couldn't find you.

The realization that you're not at the foot of the bed or snuggled up beside me in The Glampette and the gut-wrenching feeling of loss hits me all over again. It's like that movie Goundhog's Day, but in a bad way. Apparently this is how I've chosen to grieve you. . . Night by night, dream by dream, bit by bit, hoping against hope that losing you was just a bad dream.

These pictures were from your last truly good day before the cancer began to take your strength. Do you remember? We met up with Bennie and Anja at Vasona park and our friend and neighbor Rob (from our old neighborhood), you know, Murphy's dad, came and met us there to take pictures of you. I think your smile in this picture says it all. You were on top of the world that day.

Bennie

Anja

You sat on the big rock and on the tiny railroad train tracks for pictures. You were such a good boy. Always. Truly the best dog ever. Grandma said the other day she'd never have a dog again because they're just too much work. I reminded her how perfect you were and she agreed, if she could have a dog just like you she said she would have one again.

Sometimes I see you on the internet. Your Halloween costumes continue to go viral online. Sometimes I'm on Pinterest or Facebook and there you are, someone sharing your picture because you were so adorable! I guess the costumes are part of your legacy, helping to show people how wonderful your personality was and that there isn't necessarily anything wrong with a dog in a kill-shelter except that he or she needs a home.

You seemed fine in January, became sick in February, and in almost no time at all you were gone. There are days when I still can't believe it. Or don't want to believe it. And days when I wonder when I'll ever have another dog again. If anyone had ever told me I'd go a whole year without one I would have said they were wrong. But, it's been a year now and I still don't feel ready. I pet other dogs and for a moment they fill that doggie-shaped hole in my heart but they aren't you and it's not the same.

You were truly a once in a lifetime dog and I was incredibly lucky to find you.

A lot has happened and changed since we parted ways and through it all I've missed you. When I'm sad I wish you were here to hug. When I've been happy I always realize I could have been even happier if you were still beside me.

My new friend Brian McNulty, a very talented songwriter I met at ArtPrize last year, sent me a song titled "You Stole My Heart" when I told him about losing you. It's a love song. . . But you don't realize it's a human-dog love song until you listen to the lyrics in the verses. He wrote it for his dog Molly but I think it will resonate with most dog lovers. This is the chorus. . . "You stole my heart in so many moments. You made me love you. You stole my heart. And forever I will be Better because you loved me. You stole my heart"

For now I'm taking it one day at a time. I truly do believe that somehow, someday, some way we'll be reunited. Kisses and hugs to you my little fuzzalumpa and thank you for being one of the best parts of my life. I will always be grateful that I found you in the shelter, that I was able to give you a second chance when nobody else wanted you, and most of all for the very special 11 years we had together.

Each day I look at the surprise painting our friend Cheryl made of you. It makes it feel like you're still here with me and heals my heart bit by bit to see your smiling face.

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To learn more about Kitai you can visit his website www.CutestDogEver.com

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Photos of Kitai by: Murphy Dog Studios Rob, I can't thank you enough for the pictures I was able to share here. Thank you for your time and for realizing how important it would be for me to have some special images taken in what little time Kitai and I had left last year. They are precious to me and I'm incredibly fortunate to be able to have had you as a neighbor and a friend.

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Thank you Cheryl for Kitai's portrait. Your talent is only equal to the kindness and empathy in your heart. I am very lucky to have you as a friend and will treasure this painting always.

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The album "Country Alright" contains the song "You Stole My Heart" by Brian McNulty and Friends CLICK HERE to purchase on iTunes Or CLICK HERE to purchase on Broadjam.com Brian your song touches my heart each time I listen to it. Even though you never knew Kitai I know the feelings of joy and loss we have for our pets are shared by all who have had their heart stolen by their pups.

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Previous posts on Kitai's Condition:

What was left of my heart is being put to the test - February 10, 2014

Kitai Update: Lymphoma and Prednisone - February 13, 2014

True Love: A girl and her dog - February 21, 2014

Kitai Update: Looking for signs - February 26, 2014

Kitai Update: Hanging in there - March 9, 2014

Kitai is almost out of time - March 17, 2014

A once in a lifetime dog. . . RIP Kitai - March 19, 2014

It's been four weeks since you left me - April 15, 2014

When your car makes weird noises. . . Pull over!

So, the other day I was on a quest zipping along in Grand Rapids in my now 21 year old Acura Integra. In the over two decades that I've owned it I can only think of two times it had broken down and failed me over the years. Each time it needed a fairly minor repair. So there I was, driving down the street when all of a sudden I heard a strange rattling noise.

I thought: Hmmmm, that doesn't sound right. I was just a few blocks from my destination so I stopped at the store and when I came out the rattling noise was gone. I thought I better have that looked at ASAP. I drove just a few more blocks and was parked at a red light in a turn lane of a fairly busy intersection when all of a sudden the rattling started again only this time it was louder. . . And then my engine died. And that was that.

It's always good to know what to do when something goes wrong, like have a plan. I knew to:

1. Turn on my emergency flashers
2. Get out of the car and raise my hood to signal to other drivers my car was broken down
3. Get to a safe place to call and wait for help. I chose the sidewalk and called AAA.

In the meantime a nice man offered to help me push the car out of the intersection. If AAA was just around the corner I figured I'd let them deal with it because I often read about Good Samaritans being run over while doing a good deed so I thanked him and he left. But while I was on the phone with AAA another man, Thomas, came over and offered his help as well. AAA said it would be 30 minutes until they could make it there so after promising me he wouldn't get run over while helping me we pushed my car out of the intersection and into a nearby parking lot.

I took what little cash I had on hand and split it into two piles: One for Thomas to treat him to lunch (if he eats at Subway or part of a lunch anywhere else) and one for my tow driver. I know not everyone tips tow drivers but I like to since they're out there doing hard labor often in risky circumstances.

My tow driver was also really nice. Rick first exclaimed that he thought I had a great car. So great he almost never gets to see Acura's because they rarely breakdown. On the drive to my garage he was worried I'd broken my timing belt. This is the thing you need to know if you know nothing about timing belts: If your water pump breaks it will cause your timing belt to break and if you have the wrong kind of engine it can cause the engine to be damaged and instead of a moderate repair you're looking at a thousands of dollars repair bill.

I gave myself a Google crash course on broken timing belts, water pumps, valves, cylinders, pistons, and interference engines. By the time I was done I was certain that my engine had been damaged because almost everything I read said a broken timing belt while the engine was running, with an interference engine, will always damage the engine. Always.

Imagine my relief when the garage called and said after replacing my broken water pump (that caused my timing belt to break), and the broken timing belt, my car missed me and wanted to come home. What? The engine was ok? Yes! They said I'd dodged a bullet.

Now I have another list of actions to follow while driving, two actually.

Regarding car maintainance:

1. If you have an interference engine be sure to replace both your water pump and timing belt every 70,000 miles. Yes, it's a pricy replacement/labor charge but it will be a fraction of what it costs to fix your engine if things go wrong.

And when I'm driving in the future instead of the list I shared at the beginning of the post the first item on it will now be:

1. If I hear a strange noise park the car safely on the side of the road or in a parking lot.
2. Call AAA and have the car towed to my garage

All I could think was I'd taken a really stupid risk. Because I pay AAA for a year's coverage in advance the tow didn't cost me a cent so I didn't save any money by letting the car breakdown before being towed. I was also fortunate that I have the Premiere package because it gives me a free tow for 200 miles instead of the 5 mile range the Classic plan offers. I was 30 miles from my garage so instead of 5 free miles and $4 per additional mile (that's the going rate here) for the extra 25 (which would have cost me $100) I can say my membership has already paid for itself this year and it's only March. And it covers towing my trailer too!

The moral of this story is the next time I hear my car making a really weird noise I have a new and better plan than driving till it dies. You should have a plan too!

Winter Cardio Workout

In an effort to stay sane I've made myself look maybe just a wee bit crazy for the past few months. A lot of stress had been piling up on me for, oh, about a year or so. My doctor suggested doing a cardio workout 4 times a week. He said it would help me feel better to work off the stress. The thing is I've never gone to a gym. I don't think it's where I'd feel comfortable. I really prefer being on my own.

Then it dawned on me. . . There's a ton of snow in the yard, why don't I shovel it? So I did. I started shoveling and heave-ho'ing snow several days a week for 30 minutes. The looking crazy part is because the only snow I could shovel was on the lawn. LOL. My impression is that most people, or possibly nobody else, in Michigan shovels snow off their lawn into a gigantic mound for exercise. But hey, it was convenient, free, and it worked. My resting pulse of 70-72 went up to 102-107 beats per minute after just 30 minutes of shoveling and on sunny days it helped me make Vitamin D!

I mentioned to friends I was creating a "Snow Mountain." Not sure if they realized how big it was so here's a picture. I cut steps into the back of my pile and asked Fred to take a picture of me. The weather has gone over 50º (F) the past two days and will continue being warm next week so I figured now was the time to capture an image of possibly my favorite part of my first winter in Michigan.

I think when the weather really warms up I may start digging ditches that I can use to expand last year's garden. It's another great way for me to work out, cheap, and on my own so I'm looking forward to it :)

Health update: Mole excision

It's been three weeks since the death &demise removal of my mole. Just as my doctor predicted it healed up fine with virtually no visible scar on the right side of my nose. Amazing! While I am glad it's gone, it's also weird to look in a mirror and see a different me. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time. In the meantime if you don't remember what it looked like (though it was hard to miss right in the middle of my face and all) there is a blog post titled "Biopsies: Worry, wonder, and wait," with a picture of it in the post I wrote about having it removed using a procedure called a shave excision. In the end it's good to know it wasn't cancerous and that I won't have to have any kind of reconstructive plastic surgery.

In retrospect I should have used a better camera and pushed the hair off my face. Oh well, this picture will have to do for now.

By the way, be sure to use sunscreen! Both to protect yourself from skin cancer and pre-mature aging by the sun. I've been using sunscreen on my face since I was 19, long before it was recommended. That was 30 years ago. I'll let you do the math. I don't care why you use it (health or vanity) just make sure you do. When you get older you'll be glad you did :)

Biopsies: Worry, wonder, and wait

Five biopsies in three months. That's how my 2014 ended and 2015 began.

At first I wasn't sure I'd share any of this on my blog. One's health is a very personal thing. But then that part of me that likes to help others nudged and pushed me to tell you what's been going on because survival rates for the cancers I was screened for are in the 90% range if caught at stage one and 20% or less if caught much later.

To make a long story short I went in for an OBGYN annual. For anyone who's ever had one you know how it goes but for the fellas I'lll explain. There's always a cervical exam and a breast exam (at some point, usually around 40 years of age, the mammograms begin) then you wait for a week and try not to think about the fact that your pathology or radiology results may reveal you have some type of cancer. It's stressful. You do your best not to worry and imagine worst case scenarios. A week later you hear back everything is fine and see you next year.

Until that isn't what happens.

Needing an operation was all very surreal. Kind of like Grey's Anatomy but with no famous actors working on me.

Last fall during the exam my doctor noticed something wasn't right. My mammogram results came back normal. But my cervical exam led to both internal (quite painful) and external ultrasounds, a colposcopy (it's like a pap test on steroids that led to two biopsies), and my first ever general anesthesia you're-going-to-the-operating-room procedure which led to two more biopsies.

While this was all taking place it was suggested I should have a Myriad MyRisk genetic test done to see if I carry any markers for certain cancers (breast, endometrial, and ovarian) that would necessitate a different course of treatment if it came back positive. The holiday caused a delay in obtaining my test results but over the next few weeks I found out I did not have cancer. There was also no signs of pre-cancerous cell changes. Needless to say that was a huge relief.

I also learned out of the 25 known genetic markers that increase your risk of developing 8 particular cancers, I had none. Thank goodness. The test results don't mean I can't or won't develop any of the cancers I was tested for, it just means I don't have a higher than average risk of developing them. Though I do have one health issue that remains, the fact that I don't have the markers means I can watch and wait instead of needing a surgery now. Why take a genetic test? Because your doctor can then create a more personalized screening schedule and treatment options based on your level of risk. For instance instead of mammograms you may qualify to have MRI's to screen for breast cancer. Some tests you may have more frequently than the average person would need to. It's all about helping to prevent you from getting cancer in the first place and/or diagnosing any cancer at the earliest possible stage.

But wait, there's more. . .

Last photo of my mole taken in the parking lot before its demise.

As if that wasn't enough of a scare during one of my two, required, pre-surgical clearance exams for my OBGYN issue my new General Practitioner took one look at the mole on my nose and asked "What's going on here?" I explained the mole had appeared while I was in elementary school. First it was flat and brown. Later in my 30's it became raised. Then the brown started to fade from it leaving it mostly colorless. In the past few years it started getting larger both in height and diameter. Several years ago my doctor in California suggested having it removed for cosmetic reasons but it really didn't bother me enough to have it done. In the meantime it had slowly increased in size. My new doctor's concern was the mole had become a basal cell carcinoma. They're not malignant, but it would keep getting larger. So no sooner had I learned my girl parts were going to be OK (for now) then I had to be concerned about cancer on my face. Ugh.

Not sure if I was allowed to take pictures but leave a blogger alone in a room with a camera and it's going to happen.

My 15 minute consultation with an ENT Doctor last week suddenly became a procedure day when he asked if I was in a hurry. It turned out he had time an hour later to do the removal right there and then. On the good side it meant I would only have to worry about the upcoming procedure for an hour, instead of the two weeks I had anticipated waiting for my next appointment to have it removed. I did stress a bit about what would I look like without it? It's been part of my face for decades and even though others said I'd look better, it felt weird to let it go. I likened it to what if you went to the doctor and came home without your right eyebrow. Or how Jennifer Grey didn't look like herself anymore after she changed her nose. Would people still recognize me? That's what it felt like.

The three lidocaine injections (local anesthetic) were excruciating. The procedure itself was easy and uneventful. He did a "shave excision" where he took a small scalpel and shaved the mole off flush to the surface of my skin then sent it in to pathology for my fifth biopsy. If it wasn't cancer it would heal over on its own and any resulting scar would be far less noticeable than the original mole was. If it was either type of skin cancer (Basal Cell Carcinoma or Malignant Melanoma) he would need to go back in and cut deeper and wider to create margins. I'd probably need some reconstructive plastic surgery but again, he said the scar would be less noticeable than the original mole. So I did my best not to worry. The recovery period was rough the first few days (my nose hurt a lot) but has gotten better and better since then.

I finally heard back this week that the pathology report showed no cancer. Another huge relief.

So why share my story now? Because I want you to go in for an annual exam. Get your pap test and mammogram done. Have suspicious moles checked. Do whatever you need to do to catch any disease in its earliest stage possible when treatments have the potential to be the most successful. As frightening as it is to have to worry, wonder, and wait for biopsy results early diagnosis is crucial to improve your chances of complete recovery.

In case you didn't know:

Breast Cancer there are 4 stages: (via Cancer.org)
Stage 1 survival rate is 100%
Stage 4 survival rate is 22%

Endometrial/Uterine Cancer there are 9 stages (via Cancer.org)
Stage 1A survival rate is 88%
Stage 1VB survival rate is 15%

Ovarian Cancer (Invasive epithelial) there are 12 stages and three other types (via Cancer.org)
Stages 1/1A/1B range survival rates range from 90%-94%
Stage 1V survival rate is 17%

Melanoma Skin Cancer there are 9 stages (via Cancer.org)
Stage IA: The 5-year survival rate is around 97%. The 10-year survival is around 95%.
Stage IV: The 5-year survival rate is about 15% to 20%. The 10-year survival is about 10% to 15%.

Did you know that cancer survival rates are based on 5 years after diagnosis? Meaning the average person diagnosed with a certain stage of cancer will usually live at least 5 years (often longer, sometimes less as there is no guarantee) following their diagnosis if treatment is pursued. Above are simplified examples, the full ranges are at the links on the American Cancer Society's website following each type of cancer.

This information is for your consideration. If it's been a long time since you've been checked and you're scared to find out if something is lurking please swallow your fear and schedule a check up. The best way to beat the odds is annual screenings/health checks and early treatment. If you don't have insurance or even with insurance the cost of screening is out of your reach you can always visit a Planned Parenthood if there is one in your community. They offer many types of health screening for women and the costs can be significantly lower than if you have to pay out of pocket. In the past when I was uninsured I went to PP for my screenings including OBGYN annuals and once a mammogram at no/low cost.

I just want you and your loved ones to be as healthy and happy as you can be for as long as possible. Even though I rarely ask that you share a post, I'm asking you to please share this one. It's one that really matters.

ETA 1/17/15
My friend Tom posted the following message on Facebook after I shared this post. His advice is so crucial for all women of every age I asked his permission to share it here:

". . . I don't have a lot of experience with other types of cancer, but you know that my darling wife passed away almost three years ago, as a result of breast cancer. Now, she was only 34 when we found out she had cancer - much younger than it is recommended for women to begin tests like mammograms, etc. Sadly, by the time she found the lump in her breast, her cancer had already metastasized. One thing that almost certainly would have caught it earlier, and very likely could have saved her life, was a frequent, thorough self-exam. It's something any woman of any age can and should do, as a minimum. So, if I can offer any small bit of advice, even to very young women, that would be it. There is not a day that goes by without my thinking of her and missing her intensely. It breaks my heart knowing that such a simple thing could have given us a very different story to be telling, here."

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Disclaimer:

This post is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please seek advice from your physician or other qualified health professionals with any questions you may have regarding your OBGYN annual or any medical condition(s). This is simply my personal experience that I wanted to share with you to encourage others to be pro-active about their health.

A Midwest winter: Three things I didn't know I needed to know

When I decided to move to Michigan there were things I didn't know I needed to know. Among them:

1. Your car doors can freeze shut. All four of them. To be clear I'm not talking about the lock, I'm talking about the entire freaking door. It will (of course) happen the morning when you need to get to an early appointment. On the bright side, people who live in Michigan know this and aren't upset when you arrive a few minutes late to said appointment. My future solution will be to keep my backseat folded forward and enter the car through the trunk. That should do the trick.
2. Don't go snowshoeing with friends who are all on cross country skis. You will not be able to keep up even if all three of them tell you they're rusty so they won't be going fast and they're all hoping they don't fall down. I repeat: You will not be able to keep up. Solution: I figured out halfway around the lake it would be faster to just take the snowshoes off and hike the trail carrying them. I'll also add that snowshoeing was a lot like playing strip poker (not that I ever have.) Every time my friends turned around to see if I was still there (as the lone straggler I could have been eaten by coyotes) I'd removed one more article of clothing or gear. First my gloves came off. Then my hat. Then the snowshoes. LOL. I figured by the time we got back to where we started I'd be down to a tank top and my long johns if I was lucky.
3. Midwest winter air will kill your hair. Want to know what's more addictive than potato chips, tattoos, or chocolate? Sitting near a window and trimming split ends out of your hair one by one with a pair of scissors. The natural light makes any damaged hair, or even a hair that's progressing towards splitting, stand out with an effect exactly like a contrast dye. Snip. Snip. Snip.

I haven't had split ends in so many years I can't even remember the last time they were a problem. But one day I looked, really looked, at my hair and realized it was a veritable jungle of split ends! What the heck?

I already don't use a blow dryer and I quit using a curling iron on my hair around a year ago so what to do to reduce the damage even more? I asked on Twitter but nobody had any advice so I did some research on Google and read on several sites I should deep condition my hair. I went and bought a good deep conditioner and left it in my hair for 30 minutes. NIGHT AND DAY difference! Hoping it does the trick.

I'm sure there are many more Midwest lessons I have yet to learn. Don't worry, I'll keep sharing them in case anyone else decides to move here. And I would recommend becoming a Michigander, or Michiganese in my case.

People are so nice in the Midwest! I think I've now been officially welcomed to the state somewhere around 874 times. As soon as people find out you've decided to relocate here they all say the same thing: "Why would you want to move here from California?" Ooops :P LOL, I meant the second thing they all say is: "WELCOME to Michigan!" It's pretty wonderful.

Pickled Beet Ice Cream

I needed to come up with a Birthday present for my neighbor. Something not too personal but thoughtful. Not too expensive, but not cheap. I hate giving someone something they don't need. What to do, what to do. . . Hmm, then it came to me. What would be a great surprise gift to give him in January during a Midwest winter? Ice cream! What's a flavor he's never had before? Pickled beets! LOL

The idea was actually inspired by the pickled beets his mom made. He and his wife brought a jar over and the moment I tasted them I knew they'd be great spooned over vanilla ice cream. They were sweet and spiced like Christmas time. I don't know if his mom added cloves, cinnamon, or nutmeg or all there. I just know they were fantastic! The next time I had them was over vanilla ice cream. I'd told him they were delicious that way but could tell he was ambivalent to try a vegetable ice cream concoction. His Birthday was the perfect excuse to whip up a batch of Birthday Beet Ice Cream using the "Beet Ice Cream with Mascarpone, Orange Zest, and Poppy Seeds" recipe from my Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams at Home cookbook. I omitted the orange zest and poppy seeds and replaced them with his mom's beets.

I'm not going to share the recipe because it's in the book. I will share the basic steps and how I added the pickled beets in this photo tutorial:

1. Roast fresh beets
2. After processing the beets I pushed them through a fine sieve. This is how you make seedless and very smooth ice creams with any cooked fruit or vegetable.
3. Mix with other ingredients.
4. Cook the ice cream base on your stovetop.
5. Mix all of the base ingredients together and chill. The recommended way in the book is to put the base in a big Ziploc bag and place in a large bowl of ice water. But we had two inches of new fallen snow on the ground and very low temperatures so I put my base in a metal mixing bowl outside and mounded snow around it covering the bowl with a cookie sheet to keep the snow out while it chilled.
6. I mashed the pickled beets with my potato masher.
7. The end result of step #6.
8. I poured the now chilled base mixture into my electric ice cream machine.
9. I alternated layers of ice cream and mashed beets until the container was full. By layering this way it creates a "swirl" effect when you scoop the ice cream out later.
10. When it was done I put the container in the back of the freezer to harden.

The base recipe was rich, creamy, and tasted like cheesecake complemented with the sweet and spiced pickled beets. I took it over and told him if he didn't care for it I'd take it back with me and make him a new flavor. He sampled it and said he was keeping it, but I could also make him another flavor anyway :D

A new year, a new blog

Change is good. That's what I keep telling myself.

With the New Year I felt it was time to create change. At the top of the list I decided to launch a new blog! While The Flirty Blog (renamed in 2014 to: I Found the Place) has had a wonderful run I came to the realization it's now part of my past. Many of you who have followed it since 2006 know 2014 was the most brutal year of personal loss I've endured in a very long time. I felt anything but fun & flirty and am still dealing with a lot of stress and grief that has yet to be resolved. A divorce, the loss of two pets passing away within two months of each other, being kind of homeless for six months, and a round of health issues at the end of the year have been, to say the least, a bit much. I refuse to let any of it deter me and am focusing on the future even though some days are harder to get through than others.

You may be wondering why a new blog? Almost everyone agrees that Wordpress is the best blogging platform around. It has many features that Blogspot doesn't offer. I'll admit after investing so many years writing and photographing for The Flirty Blog I was always afraid to make the leap to migrate to Wordpress for fear of losing ranking with search engines like Google. Beginning anew gives me the perfect opportunity to launch on Wordpress and grow from here.

To be honest I haven't quite decided what direction the new blog will go other than to continue documenting my day to day experience whatever that might be. You know there will be food, travel with my tiny trailer "The Glampette," and fun. I also want to document the process as I create a new occupation for myself pursuing my lifelong dream of being a working artist, who's able to earn a living wage.

To each of you who have been a dedicated blog reader or if you only stopped by every now and then, I thank you. Knowing you were out there reading these posts inspired me to do more, just so I could write more. You helped inspire me to become a photographer and adventurer discovering so much more about the Bay Area (and myself) than ever would have happened if I hadn't continued blogging.

I hope no one is too disappointed to see this blog end. I'll be leaving it online as an archive but will now be posting over at www.Tinygami.Wordpress.com.

I hope you'll find me there and stick around to see what happens in the coming year :)